the other end of the spectrum.

I had my work review today.

2011-10-31T19:51:00.002-03:00

It was fine... I expected my boss to be a little tough since it's an internship, and a learning experience. So that's okay.

The thing I've noticed is that in every work related situation I've been told I need to improve my listening abilities. That was their main comment. If I'm working under a team of supervisors I need to be able to retain what is told to me or else it is frustrating to the person I am working with, and a waste of their time if I have to constantly ask questions. When we move into crunch time i have a feeling that someone is going to snap at me because of my inability to process what they are telling me.

My boss commented that I often get distracted when people are giving me directions, or I'll look around, or even look away. I don't do this intentionally, I just have trouble absorbing auditory information. I've been this way my entire life, and while people take it offensively, I simply explain that this is how my brain works and it is not meant to be rude. I've often thought that I wouldn't mind being deaf, as I can communicate visually far better than verbally. Unfortunately, this isn't the way the world works, so I must adapt.

I've found taking notes and drawing pictures to be helpful, but I sometimes forget to do this, and I often wonder if I am taking notes correctly, or if my notes are even reliable. I need to make this note-taking a habit. I feel like simply taking notes isn't enough though- and while yes, I am here to learn, I worry that this shortcoming will prevent me from holding down a job in the future. If I plan on financially supporting myself and living a stable life I must work through this. I just don't know how.

I would really like to work for this company once my internship is over, but I hope I don't alienate myself from every company like this in my area. I hope I am not making myself appear inept. I have skills, and I am working on learning more, but I feel like I am not taken seriously because I ask so many questions, because I want to do things correctly. While it's good that I have another year to learn these things, I worry I am working myself into a hole. I worry these experiences will simply make me realize I am unemployable. I don't want to be a hassle to anyone.

I know it will be okay if I really buckle down, but I have enough to worry about- I just want to progress from here. I don't know if I can handle too much stress right now. I just want things to go smoothly.

Other Aspies and visual types, what are some tricks to help you absorb and process information?

An Update: Sensory Integration Disorder

2011-09-25T23:14:00.006-03:00

I started my job three weeks ago. I'm working for a local theatre company, which is really cool. I'm on the production team as an intern. I love it, I get to work quietly all day with a small number of faces and it's not overwhelming at all. My boss thought it would be a good idea to put me on the wardrobe crew, but then realized it was too overwhelming for me, and that I would be better working behind the scenes. Typical aspie. It's cool though, I don't mind it. Realizing I can't work in an overwhelming environment is just one of the facets of discovering your personality and what you can do best, it's a part of life. I'm not upset. I'm just happy my boss was understanding and that I didn't have to pull out the "I have Asperger's" card. No, she doesn't know, but how is giving a label different from saying "I work well in quiet places" without the added misconceptions about a developmental difference?

I've been commuting into work every day by the train. It's an hour long train ride from where I live, since I'm living at home with my parents in the suburbs. Probably a good idea. The train is overwhelming, and it's long hours, but there are ways around it. I've been learning how to cope with sensory overload on the train- my iPod and earplugs are wonderful. I like having a snack with me as well.

Yesterday my neurologist diagnosed me with Sensory Integration Disorder- I'm tired all the time and cannot deal with loud noises. My family puts the TV too loud, they like to yell, fuzzy noises hurt me, and I get motion sickness very easily when in the car. I also went to Ikea a few weeks ago and had a meltdown. I don't like overwhelming settings. This is just the beginning...

Lately I've been avoiding loud places- I haven't gone to night clubs, or stayed out too long, as it's worse when I'm tired. I've essentially become a hermit. What will I do when there's another band I want to see? I'm usually able to push through concerts but I don't want to wear myself out since I'm suddenly becoming a lot more sensitive to these things.

My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to go on a swing, since I did that when I was a kid in OT, and it really helped a lot with the neurological connections in my brain. I tried that and found my body isn't built for childrens' swings (my hips are too wide). They're buying me a weighted blanket though, so hopefully that will help. I also got some new lightbulbs that are built to replicate daylight- my neurologist told me to turn them on in the morning so that I can properly wake up.

I've been doing my best to eat well and rest. I really do hope things get better. I'd like to actually have the energy to live and experience the world.

A conversation

2011-08-01T00:10:00.004-03:00

Back at school, in my studio.

E: I remember I had to get ed services all through school for my learning disabilities.
B: Yeah, me too. I had to get help with my ADHD. I still have trouble concentrating sometimes in class.
Me: I do too. I had an ed plan for grade school, but it got terminated during my later years of high school. I probably should have kept it going, I'm sure I could have used a lot of help with it.
B: Do you also have ADHD? I feel like we're very similar.
Me: Well, not exactly. I had issues with paying attention and processing information.
B: So you're just Pink, then. (NOTE: PINK= filler for my real name)
Me: Hahaha yeah, I guess you could say that.

Point being? It doesn't matter what your diagnosis is. ADHD can mean two completely different things for two different people, as can Asperger's. I don't even really tell anyone anymore that I have Asperger's except when discussing my past with a close friend. I figure if I make jokes about being eccentric and spaced out then they'll probably get it. I don't need to make excuses for who I am - this shows shame (at least I think so). I just want to be treated as everybody else.

While a diagnosis can be helpful, it doesn't have to define you. You are not a condition; the condition is merely a facet of your many wonderful and unique traits. Uniqueness is something that should be celebrated. Plus, where's the feeling of pride in seeking sympathy?

Enjoy life. You deserve it.

Anxiety + Voicemail: how I deal

2011-07-29T23:20:00.004-03:00

Being a visual, socially anxious person, nothing makes me more tense than the need to check voice mail. Having my mom tell me, "Pink, did you get my message?" is WAY too stressful for me, almost as stressful as listening to voicemail itself.

Voicemail freaks me out because there is virtually no control behind it. You log into it through your phone, listen to painful beeping noises, and have no control over when the messages are shouted into your ear. The voice commands are stressful too, I hate having to wait to listen for which number to press. Furthermore, if a message is particularly sinister-sounding, it will give me a mini panic attack. Traditional voice mail removes all free will, and leaves you vulnerable to potential abuse being shouted at your ear.

Of course, I know most of the time it will not be abuse, but my ears need a break. This is why I'm so terrible at listening to voicemail. I tell everyone to text me because text messages are something I can handle - they're visual, silent, and can be opened at the viewer's discretion. Furthermore, text doesn't seem to pack as much of a punch as speech. Letters are just lines on a screen with meaning applied; speech, on the other hand, is created with sound waves resonating from an individual's vocal cords, with varying degrees of intensity. Text can also be intense, but the intensity can be controlled, while the intensity of another person's speech is out of your control.

As you can tell, the anxiety really gets to me here. I already spend more time around people than I can emotionally handle, having to put on a friendly face all day. I can deal, but just barely. This overstimulation causes me to retreat into my room 2/3 of the time (yes, I did the math there), attempting to recover from the long day. I can only handle so much unexpected stress. What to do?

Well, I can't take the voice out of voicemail, so I did something to gain a little control: I got YouMail. Youmail is a program which replaces your default voice mailbox on your phone. Not only does it have more storage space than a traditional voicemail system, but you can view your messages in an inbox-like setting online. It tells you who called when, and you can play the message as a clip at your own will. You can also organize and delete messages much like e-mail. How cool is that?!

In addition, I also set it up so it will text me when I get a voicemail, telling me who called and when. This removes another stressor from voice mail: I never know when people call and am always confused. This feature helps eliminate that issue. I also have an app to check it on my iPod touch when there's wireless - the messages show up in a visual setting there. It's way awesome, and while this doesn't alleviate all my anxiety, it's definitely a relief.

Of course, there are other features (personalized greetings, blocking callers, sharing messages online) but I don't care much about those. The only thing I care about is the fact that YouMail helps me feel more in control of a communication tool that NT's take for granted, and expect everyone else to take for granted as well.

As you can tell, I'm absolutely ecstatic about this program. While free speech-to-text would be ideal, I'm not paying shit for that. So this is the next best thing, right?

Knitting

2011-07-28T21:28:00.004-03:00

Today I started knitting a hat. I've got about two inches done thus far.

The part I've done has two colors, arranged in a mathematical sequence. I've designed it so that it can gradually transition from one color to the next, in a gradient. I think it's some variation of the fibonacci sequence. Here's how the transitional part goes:

knit 1 row

knit 7 stitches, knit 1 stitch -repeat for entire row

knit 3 stitches, knit 1 stitch - repeat

knit 1, knit 1 - repeat

(repeat in inverse order to transition to the other color)

I love knitting because it allows me to appear as a normal girl, yet it gives me free license to be a complete nerd. And let's face it, I'm in the arts - I don't get to be mathematical that often. Though I'm an aspie, and aspies are expected to be math-obsessed literal thinkers, I don't get to salivate over mathematical sequences often.

I'm so excited, that this is what I'd expect an orgasm to be like had I not been born asexual. This is like crack to me. This must be like the high Snooki gets from being punched - no exaggeration whatsoever.

I swear, I'm not putting down this hat until it's done. Mathematical sequences and all.

Kickboxing = Death Sentence

2011-07-24T13:36:00.003-03:00

Today I tried kickboxing. My friend encouraged me to join her, since it's an exercise class that she loves... Let's just say I lack the coordination for it. It's too fast for me, and mid-air punching to the sound of a dude belching over Lady Gaga songs isn't my cup of tea.

Perhaps this is because I'd never done it before, but it was too fast - I spent half the time watching the instructor and standing there like some idiot. Plus, the moves come up too fast, and I have NO CLUE what I am supposed to expect. Granted, we did end up doing some yoga moves at the end, but the bouncing techno prevented me from truly relaxing.

My neurologist first encouraged me to start exercising again to ease my headaches and exhaustion, because he said I wouldn't feel any better unless I try it. I'm pretty content doing yoga or some sort of meditative exercise, like running, because it can be done more or less at your own pace. While this isn't the case with yoga, it is so slow that I have no trouble keeping up. It also helps me with my anxiety.

Kickboxing, on the other hand, is like asking for a panic attack. My brain gets overloaded so easily that the hyperactive remixes of radio songs aren't exactly helping me. I'll admit that it was a good workout, but I don't think I'll be going back. It's too much for me, and I'm just not cut out for it.

Aspies, what do you like to do for exercise?

The Good Things About Being Socially Awkward: Fewer Unwanted Interactions

2011-07-16T12:46:00.005-03:00

One thing I don't like is how other people have been brainwashed by society. Granted, one of the main keys to a successful life is companionship. It may not be in the same form for everybody, and it is important to be respectful of this fact, but the relationships with the people we care about bring significance to our lives- Aspie or not.

The frustrating thing is, however, how people assume you are unhappy if you are not in a romantic relationship. I constantly have people question why I am not in a relationship. My response to them is always the same: I don't know why I'm not, but I don't need to be in one to be happy. I love my job, I love my family and friends, I graduated at the top of my class, and I have a lot to look forward to. I don't need a significant other to validate my existence.

One thing that I'm beginning to realize though, is that I may be asexual. I'm trying to grapple with this fact, and realize whether I'm actually asexual or if I just have an aversion to sexually-intended interactions. I tried telling this to a friend, and she immediately responded with, "no, you're not asexual". But I think I am. I don't crave sex, I just crave affection and companionship. I still have crushes, and I may be sexually active someday, but it won't be the end of the world if I'm not.

Because of this, and the fact that I've only had one boyfriend (I don't even know if it counts), I am very awkward around the opposite sex. I never know what to say, and at first I find it stressful, but then realize that it may be a blessing in disguise. Plus, it's not my fault if a guy only wants one thing, right? Once I realize his intentions, I immediately become cold. It's like a switch that turns off in my head. If I see a guy glancing at my chest, staring at me too much and smiling excessively, or using a bad pick-up line, I become uncomfortable and distance myself. I look down, close myself off, and begin responding with short, flat sentences. This is like a reflex that I have no control over. In a few minutes the guy gets the message and backs off.

Some people may be frustrated by this, but I feel like it's a blessing in disguise. Granted, it's made me extremely uncomfortable around men, but I feel lucky. I don't need to worry about birth control. As of now, it is also impossible for me to get knocked up or contract an STD. I say "as of now" because, who knows? I may want sex in the future, I just don't right now. But let me tell you, it's such a load off. I used to know a girl who would have a panic attack every week about how she thought she was pregnant. I also know people who have had children far too early in life that were "mistakes". I may be jumping ahead of myself here, but it's nice to not have to worry about that happening to me.

Also, being socially awkward will help protect me against unwanted sexual situations. Granted, if a person wants to rape then they will, but in my case some of the interactions leading up to that point are virtually nonexistent. Of course, protecting yourself and being educated are extremely important, I'm not lessening the significance of this. I'm just stating that awkwardness can serve as a barrier from unwanted interactions, which can be a wonderful thing.

I know some people will tell me that I'm missing out on a lot by not dating, but let me tell you, I just don't care. I don't feel like I'm missing out on much. Does that mean that I will never be sexually active? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not closed off to the idea in the future, but I just don't want it right now. Do I question my intentions constantly? Absolutely. Nothing is definite, things can change. All I know is that as far as I can tell, my standoffishness protects me from unwanted situations. At least, it has thus far, and this is something that I am very fortunate for.

So, regardless of what people tell you, it is okay to be awkward! It can even be a good thing. Embrace it! However, as an extra method of protection it is important to be educated. Here are some links that are useful:

Scarleteen

Planned Parenthood

S0, read up, and be aware of interactions. Respect yourselves, do your best to understand what you need, and if something unfortunate does happen, then don't be afraid to talk about it. And if you get in an unwanted interaction, then don't be afraid to move into awkward mode. Hell, if you really don't want to talk, then just throw 'em the face!

Ridiculous, but same idea. Enjoy, and love yourselves!

Awkward Non-Aspies, Part II

2011-07-10T17:13:00.006-03:00

In continuation with a recent post, Don't Forget, I've decided to revisit the theme of neurotypical people with awkward or strange tendencies.

Miranda

Miranda is a girl I've known since we were toddlers. Our mothers are best friends, so it was expected that we would be, as well. Miranda is a few months older than me, and I remember her house was like a second home to me growing up. Miranda's mother is a wonderful person, very warm and welcoming- she would give up everything for the sake of your comfort. When we were moving they opened up their house to us for a good part of a summer. With such a nice family, I wonder where Miranda's bitter disposition came from.

I remember playing Power Rangers with her and her brother, and I was always shafted - though I wanted to be the Pink Ranger, Miranda always insisted on being the Pink Ranger, while I was the Yellow Ranger. Nothing against the Yellow Ranger (she was pretty awesome), but any diplomatic friend would have happily taken turns.

There's one perfect word to describe Miranda: she's cold. In all of the time I've spent with her, I could never read her emotions. Strikingly beautiful, everything about her was sharp, like ice. Her speech inflection could cut around jagged corners and poke someone's eye out. Though I was isolated in a mental bubble due to my Asperger's, my presence was very warm and soft. Even as a child I was told I had a meditative, zen-like presence.

So out of convenience, I spent a lot of time at Miranda's house growing up. She was never the type of person you could just "hang out" with - we'd always have the TV on, or we'd be playing video games. There would be some outside distraction to build a wall between us. That was fine with me. I always liked going over her house because her mom would give me all the junk food my parents wouldn't let me eat. I remember happily filling up on sugar over there - I think this is why I now have an insatiable sweet tooth.

Still, the TV couldn't create a wall between us forever. Little by little I became aware of Miranda's personality. I could never understand her sarcasm, and she'd roll her eyes at me when I was confused. She'd respond to my clueless comments with snappy retorts, and of course this confused me. I know now that her mother had told her about my Asperger's, but Miranda didn't seem to be willing to give me a chance.

I did many extracurriculur activities with Miranda while we were growing up - Girl Scouts, Ballet, Soccer, Theater Camp. In our spare time there would be many awkward pauses in conversation with her. Though at the time, I hadn't mastered the art of non-awkward conversation (and I still have a long way to go), I didn't have that hard of a time making friends. I did manage to gain superficial friendships with a few bubbly theatre geeks - that type of friendship is one I could handle just fine. But when society forced kids into cliques, I had trouble.

The summer before my Sophomore year of high school, we were at that same theatre camp, and Miranda and I found ourselves friends with a group of girls. There were five of us, and my naivete was overwhelmed by their uninhibited cattiness. Our group even had a name, that's how bad it was. They would talk about other kids behind their backs. There was a group of kids who were decidedly different - one boy who I later learned was also an aspie, a girl with a speech impediment, and one girl who was painfully shy. These girls were brutal to them. I didn't partake in making fun of these kids, but I didn't defend them either. I regret this.

I remember being upset by the way the girls were treating the other kids. Even though I was friends with a few of the kids that my so-called "friends" made fun of, I felt a distinct separation between us because I was "in". This was the exact mentality that I hated - I remember being on the other side at my public school, I was the one being bullied! What sort of messed-up world is this?

In time, things came between us. I had started dating one of her friends from her school, Miranda got upset, and even after her friend and I broke up (it was short-lived, anyway), she continued to ignore me, and wouldn't respond to my efforts at being friendly. Though this was easy to ignore since I had moved to another town, it was frustrating. What was so different about Miranda? There was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Her friendships with people at school revolved around obnoxious jokes and loudness, while mine revolved around shared interests. She had found a close group of friends from her school, and though I was acquainted with some of them and welcome to hang out with them, I still felt largely out of place.

We ended up growing apart, but it isn't something I regret. We'd occasionally talk throughout college, but Miranda remained her flat, emotionless self. To this day I have no clue if Miranda was consciously mean, or if she was just lacking emotion and warmth. Hell, I couldn't even tell if she was just cold or if I was turning her away with my awkwardness. Regardless of the cause of our drift, I am now aware of the type of person I get along with, and growing up with Miranda has helped me realize what traits that person has.

While I wish Miranda happiness, she isn't someone I will be turning to in times of distress. I have much warmer and more deserving friends for that. That's just life.

Aspies in the Media: Mary and Max

2011-07-03T14:33:00.003-03:00

The other night I finally got around to watching this movie... Mary and Max, a 2009 Claymation Film directed by Adam Elliot. I'd been meaning to see this movie forever because of the Aspie protagonist, but I hadn't gotten a chance, until now. And I'm happy I did.

The movie is about a young Australian girl, Mary Dinkle, who is unhappy with the state of her life - she has a neglectful father and an alcoholic, kleptomaniac mother who tells her that she was a "mistake". She is insecure about her appearance and is very lonely. Hoping to make a new friend, she pulls the name Max Horowitz out of a phone book at the post office. It is listed that he lives in New York City, so she writes a letter to him asking about life in America, explaining how she wants a friend.

Max responds, explaining the state of his life. He is an obese older man who is sensitive to stimuli, is confused by social cues, and lives a quiet, controlled life with his goldfish Henry and his chocolate hot dogs. He doesn't have any friends, and writes to Mary that he is glad she is his friend.

While the movie progresses, more letters are exchanged, and we learn more about both Mary and Max. In one scene where Mary asks Max about how to talk to a boy she likes, Max has a meltdown, is institutionalized for many months, and it is revealed that he has Asperger's Syndrome. He expresses frustration that his psychiatrist feels sorry for him, and that he wants to "cure" him. Max expresses the belief that Asperger's is just one way of defining who he is, and that it is not a disease or disorder.

This movie is wonderful because it shows the importance of friendship and connection, even by society's so-called "freaks". While parts of this film are very depressing, the film itself has a beautiful message of connection and friendship. The visuals are very well done - Max's world is gray, Mary's is beige, and they are connected by little pieces of red. Max's bluntless and Mary's silly questions make this an enjoyable and amusing film, combining black humor and a bittersweet story to make for a flawless, rich experience that I'm sure everyone will be able to connect to. Mary and Max is certainly a must-see.

Here is a trailer:

Enjoy!

Rex, the Musical Savant

2011-06-27T23:10:00.004-03:00

This is a wonderful story of how an individual's strengths can more than make up for their shortcomings. Compassion and patience are the building blocks of success. Who's to say that Rex is impaired?

I believe Rex will discover a rich future full of beautiful, original music. He will be able to find his way through the world through texture and noise. When you can perceive so much, the areas in which you are lacking don't really matter. I wish Rex and his mother all the love and happiness in the world.

QuickCues and other Mobile Apps for ASD's

2011-06-12T21:59:00.004-03:00

The Non-profit organization Fraser has produced QuickCues, a mobile app which helps to provide cue cards for those on the Autism Spectrum. Here is a demo video:

I don't know much about this app other than what is shown in the demo video, but it seems like a wonderful idea. With all of the technological advances taking place, why not take advantage of this?

In middle and high school, my aide encouraged me to write down hints for communicating in a notebook. I simply wrote down the names of my peers and a thing or two I could discuss with them, something simple like music, tv shows, or a sport we played together.

The only issue with this is its inconvenience, and visibility. I remember in my sophomore year, a "friend" (read: mean-spirited acquaintance) was going through my notebook, and came across my page of conversation starters. Her eyes started darting intently across the page, as it wasn't the usual doodle-filled chemistry notes; she asked, "what's this?" I turned bright red and grabbed it back immediately. I told her that it helped me figure out what to say to other people, trying not to make a big deal out of it. For a second I felt like a complete stalker, tracking the actions and interests of my peers. I stopped carrying around visual cues after that.

Though there is a useful aspect in writing down things to help remember them, it just gets inconvenient at times. Flash cards take up space, are cumbersome, get dirty easily, and could easily reveal your differences. An app like this, or even a word document on your phone with reminders, is discreet and private. If you don't want such an app to be revealed, a vague title like "QuickCues" can be written off as a general study guide - also, it doesn't hurt that iPhones and iPods can be password protected. You can give yourself as little or as much security as you feel is necessary.

This app is $4.99. Though I personally feel I wouldn't want to spend so much money on it (I'm a cheapskate), I think Fraser is providing an important service and such an app would be worth investing in for a lot of people. If you don't want to spend the money, you could probably create flashcards, or a word document with text from an online guide - it would be free, but with a similar idea.

I hope this app becomes available for more devices, and not just the Apple devices. You don't even need an iPhone to use it. Though I don't have this app, I've found my iPod Touch indispensable. Along with all my music, it has relaxation sounds, Theta and Beta waves (also for relaxation), some photos, games, books, my calendar, and the small internet browser doesn't hurt either. I've written papers on it, and even a few of these blog entries! It's nice because I can carry a lot with me in such a compact package. If you don't want to spend the money on an iPod Touch, I'd reconsider - there are some less expensive models out, and they can be purchased on different websites for even less! I got my iPod on eBay and saved about $80 off of Apple's price.

Sorry, I just sounded like I'm pitching a product! Haha. But seriously, this is a great idea. Would you use an app like this? Why or why not? Do you know of any similar ones? I want to hear about them! Maybe we could start a list. So show me what you've got!

Aspies and Cats

2011-06-02T13:11:00.007-03:00

My cat does this thing when he's happy where he'll curl his front paws in and out. It reminds me of a stimming thing, as I do this with my toes too.

He also is very sensitive to noise. He'll run away when my mom drops something on accident, and if I stomp too loudly. He's afraid of the dishwasher, as well as my guitar. If he hears something noisy, he'll run away in panic.

He's terrified of new people. The only people he lets close to him are my immediate family and a few quiet, gentle friends. With us he is very loving and affectionate, but if we ever have a lot of people over, he'll hide, shaking under my mom's bed.

His motor skills aren't very good, either - he can't run in a small circle - he can only run in large, clumsy ones. He is constantly invading my other cat's personal space as well - he's socially awkward, like me.

My kitty and I have a lot in common. Sometimes I wonder if he's an aspie too.

Whether he is or not, though, we make a good team, and I'm happy to have someone in my life as eccentric as I am (even if he's a cat).

Don't Forget

2011-05-08T16:44:00.001-03:00

Non-Aspies have awkward moments too!

I know a lot of people who tend to say or do things that make another person uncomfortable. This will happen completely on accident. There are different types of these:

The people who lack a sensor: My friend Emma is completely inappropriate, but so adorable and hilarious that you really don't care. She loves to slap her friend's asses, or give "boob kisses", and a typical comment from her will be (if your shirt is wet), "aww, you look like you're lactating!" (meant affectionately, mind you.)

When I first met Emma, I was completely taken aback by her bluntness, but then realized that some of the unspoken social rules in our society don't make sense. Plus, spending time with her is exciting - it's refreshing to drop all of the filters you are used to accumulating in everyday interactions. It's nice to have a friend who regularly challenges these rules, whether she realizes it or not!

The people who lack boundaries: two of my roommates started cleaning my room when I wasn't home and a potential subletter was coming over that night. Neither of them are on the Autism Spectrum. All I did was politely explain to them that it was an invasion of personal space, and to either wait for me or let me know if they feel compelled to do this in the future.

While their actions did make me uncomfortable, it made me realize: non-aspies mess up too. Social awkwardness is universal. Who cares?

A person's unique disposition: I have a classmate, Ashley, who is not like other girls I know. As far as I know she doesn't have Asperger's, but her personality is very unique when compared to the rest of my peers. She is very mellow, has a smooth-sounding voice, and always appears very relaxed. Almost every statement she makes ends with a laugh (amused? uncomfortable? I can't really tell.) and a sigh. There are occasionally awkward pauses in conversation with her, but when spending time with her I generally feel like I am in good company, as she is very pleasant to be around.

A number of my peers have attempted to explain Ashley's eccentricities. Some have stated that it's based on her geographic origin, as the majority of us are local, and our city is notorious for being obnoxious, uptight, and constantly stressed.

I don't know why Ashley is so unique, but it's nice to see someone who is so pleasantly calm all the time. I once had a conversation with her about being a design student, and the stresses that go along with it. She told me, "I've never had to think so much about things as I have this year." - followed by her trademark laugh and sigh, of course. I understood how she felt completely - could it be anxiety, general stress? Who knows?

The fact is, as much as we like to pretend, no one has everything together. Other people also question things constantly, and worry a lot. Though my psychiatrist likes to attribute this trait of mine to having Asperger's, I attribute it to being an American. We're stressed people! It's really an issue if everyone from a culture feels this way. I think we should work on trying to fix the culture from the inside and not the individuals.

There are other people like us: My friend Bobby is one in a million. I also think he has Asperger's, but I don't tend to dwell on this possibility - we are all unique, after all. Another friend described him as a "friendly floater" - he is acquaintances with everyone, but is not particularly close with any one group of people. Whether he realizes it or not, he is defying our culture's basis for social standards, which I think is really awesome.

Bobby is the master of the calm, one-sided speech. He loves to talk. He has a really great baritone-esque voice- he would make a great voice actor - but he will talk nonstop about the most random things. He tends to have some awkward pauses here and there, and conversations with him don't tend to follow the typical vapid quality that I experience with most friends in passing (where the person acts like they care, but they really don't). Unfortunately, a lot of people are uncomfortable around Bobby, just because his presence makes you question our society's social rules. Lame, right?

The thing about Bobby, though, is that he is one of the most genuine people I know. He spends all of his time doing community service, helping people, giving without any expectation of his thoughtfulness being returned. He loves to bake food for all of his friends, and I feel like other people take his big heart for granted. He is very trusting, probably too trusting - I feel like he is very easily manipuated.

While it would be beneficial for him to learn to read people better, I think that it is nice to see that not all people are robots of one another, and that not all people try to be like everyone else. People like Bobby are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise clone-like society. I just hope that being aware of his presence will allow others to embrace their own eccentricities.

Moral of the story? NOT ALL AWKWARD PEOPLE ARE ASPIES. We are not the trademark of eccentric. Other people exist who are equally unique. Non-Aspies question social rules and feel as if they are awkward, too. The fact that people like this exist make me feel relieved.

Stay unique, everyone.

I made a Formspring!

2011-03-28T03:05:00.005-03:00

While I think some aspects of social media are a bit ridiculous, I figured it could be cool in case any of you would like to get an Aspie's perspective on things. You can be anonymous, and I'm anonymous, so really, what have we got to lose?

All I ask is that you be respectful. Not too hard, right?

Ask an Aspie!

Some example questions: Do you stim? What do you think the good things about being an aspie are? What are some aspie-friendly activities to do while on a date?

Go on, ask me something good! I dare you, haha.

Happy asking!

Social Commentary Through Fox's "Glee"

2011-03-28T01:11:00.005-03:00

Okay, I'll admit it: I'm a total gleek. I adore this show, not just because the spontaneous songs remind me of my high school musical theatre days, or because of the silly humor, but because of the awareness of others that Glee is cultivating.

I believe Ryan Murphy's main goal in creating this show has to do with spreading the ideals of social justice. A lot of season 1 is based around Quinn's hardships in being a pregnant teen, while the majority of season 2 has dealt with the adversity Kurt has dealt with in being an openly gay teen in a midwestern town. Within these stories, there are plenty of smaller plots based around the need for self-acceptance and loving oneself.

The show has done a good job of bringing in characters of all different backgrounds, and while not every type of individual is represented, most every viewer will be able to find a character whom they can relate to. I can see a lot of myself in both Tina and Kurt. Even though Tina's character has been neglected this past season, I found myself hiding behind my shyness like she has, and it is nice to see her come out of her shell. With Kurt, I can relate a lot to the bullying storyline, as well as to the feeling of being impossibly different - In the episode Laryngitis, Kurt tried to put on an act of being a heterosexual, John Mellencamp fan, modeled after his father, but he realized that his efforts were futile, as this wasn't who he really was. I feel like my entire four years of high school consisted of me adopting different identities, trying to be someone I'm not. I'm sure everyone can relate to this story.

I know a lot of critics are angry at Glee for pushing the "liberal agenda", but tell me this: how is spreading hatred okay? I don't care if the bible tells you homosexuality is wrong. If it encourages the condemnation of any group then I don't care what book you're following, I will only see your hostility.

This show's critics need to understand that aside from the fluffy songs, these are experiences that real people go through at some point in their lives. If anything, we should be glad that such a show exists because it helps educate viewers on accepting others and oneself.

Glee doesn't look down on any characters for being different. Artie is seen as equal to the rest of the kids despite being paralyzed from the waist down- he's even able to play on the football team. Becky Jackson, a cheerleader who has Down's Syndrome, is treated with the same respect as any other student. The only character whose actions are discouraged against are those of Dave Karofsky's - but even then, his bullying is met with empathy, as well as hope that he can learn to accept his own homosexuality.

With all of this work toward social justice, though, it makes me wish for a character with Asperger's Syndrome. I know you can't have your cake and eat it too, but COME ON PRODUERS, MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Still in doubt of the good this show can do? Then check out this tumblr. Happy viewing!

Aspie to NT, and Back Again

2011-03-22T23:38:00.006-03:00

Be polite. Don't talk behind a person's back. Have a firm handshake. Learn to properly recognize the occurence of sarcasm and jokes. Learn to deliver sarcasm and jokes in an appropriate manner. Play coy. Don't butt into places you're not wanted. Don't drag the conversation down. Don't be a hermit. Don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself - hide that which makes you different.

As an Aspie in a Neurotypical world, I've had to, along with numerous other folks, learn how to blend in and not put a spotlight on my differences. From the outside I am what appears to be a perfectly average young woman, molded to a counter-culture which has become the norm (we're all hipsters here, espescially if you attend my school). I listen to alternative music with the occasional ironic hip-hop; I buy clothing from secondhand stores and H&M; I enjoy making fun of Justin Bieber and Ke$ha but am secretly fascinated by them - aren't we all?

To put it bluntly, I'm about as unique as a molecule of salt on a Big Mac. The only thing separating me from the rest of the world is the way my brain functions, and even that barrier is slowly starting to break down. My attractive appearance and (learned) pleasant disposition have either cancelled out my social mishaps, or have given me new opportunities to learn the ropes of socializing in an appropriate manner.

Though we all may moan about how our lives suck, I've been dealt a good hand, I guess.

In all of my learned appropriateness, however, the thing that haunts me to this day is the memory of being bullied. Yes, there was a time when I was disliked: death threats, harrassment, cyberbullying, you name it. I've been picked on for every feature on my body, every strange interest and/or social mishap, every honest mistake I've ever publicly made. Shit happens, you know how it goes. Everyone has their own sob story, and mine is no different from yours.

Perhaps my internal optimist stepped in, though, because while parents and teachers and therapists and guidance counselors and school officials were trying to change the structure of the school to make things easier for me, I wanted to relieve them of this pressure and change myself to fit in with my pre-existing environment. I resisted every accommodation that was made for me and instead turned myself into a chameleon.

Now, being socially malleable isn't so bad. I work well on teams and like to think that I am able to adapt to many social situations easily. I often appear eager and friendly. Being this way has made me flexible but flimsy - always wanting to please everybody but never having a backbone. Since I've taught myself to "go with the flow", I am often indecisive and may end up doing things that are unrealistic, or that I don't want to do.

Individuals who are bullied often take two routes: become severely depressed, or fight back with kindness. I've chosen the latter. While it is an arguably more pleasant and humane thing to do, falling under the teachings of virtue and goodness of most religions, I now realize I have set myself up for repulsion. I've become so sickeningly sweet that I repel many of my peers. I hold a strict moral code: never talk negatively about a person; never partake in the spreading of rumors; and never cheat, steal from, or deceive another person.

Though I've managed to protect myself from bullying, I've also managed to protect myself from having a fulfilling life, always living in the shadows of my fears, afraid to offend. I fear being an abrasive, obnoxious individual - but aren't those the people who get the furthest?

I need to re-learn some of my Aspie tendencies. Maybe I shouldn't shy away from talking about the Super Mario games if they're something I'm really passionate about. Besides, who the fuck cares how odd I am, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone? Such outspokenness will teach me to be more assertive, so I can maybe talk my way into getting a promotion at work or avoid being given bitch work because I'm so damn "easygoing".

It has taken me years to acquire the social understanding I have today. As far as outward appearances go, I've gone from Aspie to NT. Now, I think it's time to regress back to being the oddball. I'd rather things be that way.

Guys, we've got it good. Don't forget it.

Words of Wisdom

2010-06-24T14:34:00.003-03:00

Don't hide your scars. They make you who you are.

- Frank Sinatra

Words of Wisdom

2010-06-24T03:33:00.004-03:00

This may perhaps be the most important thing I've ever heard:

Always remember to surround yourself with good people. If you have a family full of horrible people, create your own family. Your close friends will become your new family.
- My mother

She's just one example of someone who's had a hard life but has come out on top. I attribute this to her caring nature and the wonderful, nurturing way she treats others.

If I end up inheriting the tiniest bit of my mother's compassion, then I'll be the most fortunate girl alive.

An Open Letter

2010-06-24T02:12:00.006-03:00

Dear Freshman Year Roommate,

Hi, it's been a while. I know you're about to transition into a new chapter of your life that you're far too young for, but I just wanted to tell you that I came to a conclusion about the time we lived together.

Yes - two years ago. That dreaded year. We were both new to college, neither of us knew anyone. I was friendly, you told me outright that you were a loner. I'm a loner too, so that was fine with me. Little did I know that "I'm a loner" translated to "I'm a loner because I dwell on my problems and create new ones for others."

That didn't stop me from trying to be your friend. Though I was a horrible roommate, I made countless efforts to be considerate, ask you how your day went- I even make you a sweet birthday present. I was determined to be a good friend, despite your efforts at being a bad one. I never you would perceive that behavior as a nuisance.

Well, guess what? You're THE ONLY one who saw my friendliness as a nuisance. Now, I know my constant doting affection may have seemed inappropriate at times, especially when you were rude to me. I can't tell if this was my Asperger's or sheer determination taking control here, nor do I care. I don't know if your misfortune or constant negativity are to blame for your rudeness, but moping and whining won't get you anywhere. Who cares if all you see in life is pain? YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THAT. Grab life by the balls. What goes around comes around, my dear.

I just wanted to thank you. After two years of constantly worrying about something that was long past, about someone I'll never have to see again, I've finally realized, that: despite the fact that living with you was an absolute nightmare, I now know that I should never settle for having shitty people in my life. I better understand that if something sucks, GET OUT OF IT. Being helplessly dragged around doesn't pay off in the long run. Furthermore, because I trudged through the dreaded misfortune of living with you, I know now how to NOT treat people, and I know how to be a wonderful roommate. This is why I hadn't had a negative rooming situation in the two years after I lived with you.

Because I lived with you, I better understand how to make the most out of the relationships I have in my life. Because of the respect I treat others with, I have wonderful friends, and my life isn't nearly as painful as it could have turned out. I also have a better understanding of who is a true friend and who isn't, and who to treat with the respect and good fortune I love to spread around.

I'm pleased to report that in all of my 21 years, I've never been happier, and things are just looking up. I don't know if I'd be in such a great state if I hadn't lived with you. Sure, it sucked, but I'm a better person than I've ever been. And even though, based on the way you treat people, you're probably subject to a life of misery and pain; I hope you've learned something beneficiary from living with me, even if it does equate to "avoid bubbly liberal-minded girls who want to be your friend." If you perceive that as an important life lesson for yourself, then good for you. To each her own, my friend.

In summary, we learn from our mistakes. I now know who to embrace and who to avoid from having spent time with you. Isn't life great?

Wishing you happiness, even if your pain is your happiness-

Pink

Aspie Theatre Camp

2010-06-20T01:18:00.005-03:00

When I reflect on my childhood into my adolescence, and think about the experiences I gained the most from, the performing arts are at the top of the list. Starting from the 5th grade, I was heavily into theatre. I think what drew me to it was seeing my sister, a natural, be the star onstage. It was fascinating seeing her transfer between completely different roles, all with ease.

I didn't get very many leads during my time doing theatre. With the small roles that I did get, however, I was able to step outside of myself and embody someone else. I really had to think about the motives of each character, their personality, behavior, and how they reacted to the other characters. Though shy in real life, onstage I can be outgoing, sensual, the life of the party, and many other things - all at once, even.

I learned how to socially progress and travel from one point to another. Theatre also taught me how to further empathize with others and understand other peoples' motives and not just my own.

Theatre, along with being an art form, can also be used as a testing ground for social interaction. I think this is why so many programs are being created that use theatre in a roleplay technique, to teach children with Autism Spectrum disorders how to socialize. It's a safe place to learn the right and wrong ways to interact, and it allows the actor to break out of his or her shell.

Because of theatre, I am no longer afraid of having the spotlight on me. I'm less inhibited and am not afraid to act silly and crazy in front of a lot of people. Acting has also taught me to take initiative, thereby helping to break the ice for others involved. I can attribute almost everything I know about human interaction from socializing at rehearsals and being onstage, in someone else's shoes. Theatre has helped me better understand the rules of social interaction.

This is why I think more theatre programs should be created, not even just for special needs children, but a safe place where children of all abilities can practice socializing and step outside of their comfort zone by using theatre as an outlet. A theatre program would also give a child common ground to socialize with other children about: it would give them another thing they have in common. I've always found I do my best in structured environments, and a theatre or improv program would be the perfect place for that. I find it a wonderful way to learn, and it goes hand-in-hand with Occupational Therapy in a child's enrichment.

I think a theatre program would be a great place for a parent to bring their autistic child. I learned so much from it, and I want others to experience the same. Just my two cents. What are your thoughts on theatre as a social skills teaching tool?

Autism: The Musical part 2

2010-06-03T00:51:00.002-03:00

For those of you who have seen the movie, I think you'll really appreciate this: Jack Black teams up with Wyatt to sing about sensory issues.

AWESOME. I love it!

If you've found any similar songs about autism send them my way!

Enjoy!

Autism in the media: Daniel Tammet

2010-06-02T01:30:00.005-03:00

Dear 20/20: on behalf of the Autistic community I'd just like to thank you for featuring Daniel Tammet on your show. He is just one positive example of what someone on the Autism Spectrum can accomplish.

A select quote:

Daniel Tammet was born in London, in 1979, with congenital childhood epilepsy. A series of seizures as a young child changed forever the way Daniel saw the world around him. For one thing, Daniel was able to literally ‘see’ numbers in his head as if they were images. Not surprisingly, he quickly became proficient in number patterns, able to figure various roots, powers; even the decimal expansions for prime number fractions—often quicker than a friend with a calculator.

A high-functioning autistic savant, Daniel outgrew his disability. His astonishing mental skills however remained. As an example, following an invitation from organizers, he attended the largest ever ‘Memory Olympics’ in London in 2000. He won a gold medal and was subsequently invited to London’s Institute of Neurology to undergo tests for a landmark study of prodigious mental ability. The summarized data, co-written by some of Britain’s leading brain scientists, appeared in the New Year 2003 edition of the highly prestigious Natureneuro-scientific magazine.

- Wisconsin Medical Society

In the documentary, "The Boy with the Incredible Brain", Daniel discusses the way in which he solves mathematical equations: Because he has synesthesia, he sees every number as a shape with a particular color; every number in an equation will fit together, with the answer wedged in the middle. It is truly phenomenal what the brain can accomplish, even if we don't have brains such as Daniel's.

Here is a video of Daniel explaining his synesthesia:

Credits: ABCnews.go.com

On a dare, Daniel was also able to become fluent in Icelandic, one of the world's most difficult languages, in a week.

Not only am I proud to have people like Daniel to represent us on the Autism spectrum, I am pleased that news reporters have chosen to focus on his positive traits and the amazing things he's done, rather than his shortcomings. I'm proud of Daniel for stepping up and giving the world a wonderful view of what he can do, allowing us to step into the marvelous thing that is his mind. Hopefully this is a new age in the representation of Autism in the media. Autism Speaks, your days are numbered!

I'm also astonished that our brains can accomplish such incredible things. As humans, we are equipped with the capacity to do amazing things, far more than we are able to realize. Even if we can't memorize thousands of digits of Pi, we are able to create images and new dimensions that we ourselves can't even dream of. I'm often astonished by what I can create, including realizations and artwork. Never stop being amazed at your capacities!

Experiences and Cultural Perspective

2010-02-24T21:00:00.002-04:00

I just had the most intense class discussion in my life. We were overviewing a case study involving some very uncomfortable, taboo subject matter and its involvement with the legal system. Perhaps I'll go into further detail at a later date, but it was nonetheless a very difficult subject to discuss, and I remember being at my feet the whole time wishing the situation in question could have been different.

Part of the case involves a woman making a decision about whether her son should plead guilty to challenge the immense charges placed against him, and she encouraged him to plead guilty because it would mean a lighter sentence, regardless of whether he was innocent or guilty. Many of my fellow classmates couldn't understand this, and tried to challenge the decision made with arguments such as, "she knows he's innocent; why doesn't he try to fight for justice?"

Also, among the difficult footage shown was an anonymous testimony of a victim to these crimes - desipte his face being blacked out, he seemed very relaxed to the point where it was unsettling. A bunch of us in class laughed, because his gestures and the way in which his body was formed was almost sexual in nature. In contradiction with the information he was giving in the interview, his body language was inappropriate, and, as a result of the discomfort in all of us, instilled laughter among my classmates.

One of my classmates- and I'll never forget this - actually challenged our responses. She spoke up, saying something along the lines of: "I just have to say that I'm ashamed of all of you. I don't understand why you're laughing at all of this - this is very disturbing footage, and being a mother myself, I feel compelled to think hard about what would be best for my child if I were in that situation instead of sitting back and laughing, detatching myself from the harsh reality of what these people are going through."

I could see the pain in her eyes, the emotion she was trying to hold back - it was a difficult thing to say, and I don't know if I could have done the same. At the end of the class, she even broke out in tears, feeling so hurt by how our culture has trained us to handle pain. At this moment, after years of feeling blank in life experience and emotional span, I've felt more compassion for somebody than I ever thought I'd be capable of. Compassion for the woman and her son, for my classmate who dared to speak up, for my fellow classmates and everyone around me, anyone who's ever hurt me or instilled emotion into me directly. It's there, and I've never been so certain of this until now.

This has brought many interesting thoughts in my mind. I've never thought much about how American society has taught us to respond to difficult things. Many of us lead such a comfortable life that we don't know what it would be like if something devastating happened to us. A lot of us are unable to place ourselves in others shoes, and so because we don't know how to respond, we laugh. Though it may be inappropriate, it's the only thing we can think of doing.

I think that, as a society, we need to be mindful of the fact that others may not have had the same experiences that we've had, and to think objectively about the social standards that are instilled in us at an early age. We need to question, "in my point of view, is this right?" rather than "is this what's acceptable at a societal standpoint?" These questions in themselves surround a lot of biases, but who's to say what's really right? It is not up to our peers and colleagues to make that call, it is up to us.

It is up to YOU to decide what you believe, whatever those beliefs are. So don't sell yourself short.

Autism: The Musical

2010-02-16T22:29:00.000-04:00

I just watched the documentary Autism: The Musical, which I found heartwarming and sweet. It's about a woman who decides to start a theatre group for children with Autism and their parents, called The Miracle Project. Inspired by her own son, Neal, who is non-verbal, she wishes to help reach out to other kids experiencing similar issues.

The viewer gets to know many different children, including Henry, a boy with Asperger's who has an obsession with dinosaurs; Wyatt, a highly-verbal boy who has trouble with bullies; Adam, a charming little boy who plays the cello and has tantrums every now and then; Lexi, a 14-year-old girl with a beautiful singing voice who enjoys mimicking others, as well as many other kids.

In the movie, the parents discuss what having a child with Autism can be like, and their fears and concerns for their child. There is also a visible transformation (especially from Lexi's mother) in some of the parents regarding their understanding of Autism, which I think is one of the most powerful things that can be presented in a film. It reminds us that there are still prejudices out there, that no matter what we do, Autism won't be universally understood for a long time.

This film is not idealistic; it is not trying to tear Autism apart. What Autism: The Musical does is present the viewer with the diverse ways in which Autism can manifest in an individual, as well as the struggles that individual may deal with on a daily basis. It also shows us how beautiful the life of an Autistic individual can be - full of passion and dedication, to start, and how it creates a change in that child's parents, who are able to see the world in a whole new way.

I can't begin to tell you how I relate to these children: I threw tantrums like Adam's. I was bullied, similarly to Wyatt. My childhood obsession with Pokemon is comparable to Henry's obsession with dinosaurs, and, like Neal, I can see the world in an entirely different way. Furthermore, I can only wish to experience Lexi's joy when she makes that endearing grin at the camera.

This film is a must-see for anyone on the Autism Spectrum, for parents of Autistic children, siblings, family members, educators, psychologists, therapists, social workers - even anyone with the slightest bit of curiosity or misunderstanding. If you're reading this blog right now, I urge you to see it, and encourage you to recommend it to someone who would learn a little something.

"The Onion" on Vaccinations and Autism

2010-02-06T00:21:00.002-04:00

FINALLY. Satirist newspaper The Onion speaks out on the theory that Vaccinations cause Autism. I espescially love what the last guy said, hahaha. You can check it out here.

Thanks to valkyrieraven88 on Wrongplanet!

Aspie Spotlight: Not A Sugar

2010-02-05T20:46:00.006-04:00

I just came across this darling blog: Not A Sugar, which is run by a woman who goes by the name of Aspie Sugar. Her interpretation of blogging is very unique, in that she makes these sweet little webcomics explaining her quirks.

On her website, Aspie Sugar describes herself as "an aspie, designer/ artist, daughter, and girlfriend. She likes to ...uh...make stuff. She doesn't talk a lot. She draws." My first thought: Wow, we already have a lot in common!

I love seeing others express themselves in their artwork, especially when it's something I can connect with. Aspie Sugar not only does that, she packages her observations in a whimsical, aesthetically pleasing comic strip, which is not an easy thing to do. That takes talent!

I'm glad the face of Asperger's is being represented by such talented individuals. I hope Aspie Sugar continues to add to her blog, and in the meantime, if any of you have any Asperger's or Autism-related artwork, post a link - I'd love to see it!

Take care everyone!

Sensory Issues and Well-Being

2010-02-02T19:49:00.003-04:00

Hi, I'm back... sorry I disappear every now and then. I just wanted to update you on how I'm doing.

Over my winter break from college, my mom took me to see her neurologist, since I've been having daily headaches for as long as I can remember. He prescribed to me an old anti-depressant that also helps with pain prevention. It's been about a month since I've been on it, and I've got to say, I feel a lot better. I didn't understand for a while that most people don't have to grapple with headaches on a daily basis.

Due to my recently being able to take on a lot more, I'm better able to recognize what things trigger the headaches that do occur - like not getting enough sleep. I've discovered that I need somewhere between 9-10 hours of sleep a night to feel decent. Being a full-time college student, those full nights of sleep get increasingly hard to come by. Even though I'll feel like a slug, I have to keep working - my grades and my self-respect depend on it. Even if it makes me feel like shit. I'd probably be able to get more work done if I were on a proper sleep schedule, haha. It's a tough balance to adjust to. Either way, I'll try my best.

I often wonder though, if my perception of headaches is merely my observing the presence of my head? Like feeling it's there. It still feels heavy and sluggish, as it sits there above my shoulders. It's not a sharp pain, it's very dull... possibly even a byproduct of my brain communicating with the rest of my body. Is the connection between my brain and my body somewhat defunct, in that the normal setting it's stuck on is "headache mode"??

I do, however, think the Aspies having low muscle tone generalization is true for me. Though physically fit, I often feel like a ragdoll, very limp and weak. I have poor posture as well, and a lot of the time just want to sleep. I guess I'm fortunate that my schoolwork requires making things, a lot of which involves standing up and moving around. It's important that I'm active in order to feel my best. Those moments, though, when I need to sit down... I think they send a signal for my brain that it's bedtime. This is why I have the hardest time in lectures, because despite my desire to learn, I'm not really doing anything interesting, just sitting there listening. I wish educators would create a more interactive version of the lecture, because I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who has this problem. I guess I'm fortunate that my professor lets us eat in class!

I'm trying to find foods and certain activities that help combat sluggishness associated with tiredness and being stuck in a zombie-like mode (which I often find myself trapped in). When I feel better I find that it is easier to socialize and get work done, and it is far more enjoyable - I feel almost normal, to the extent that one would like to feel "normal".

I've found, for myself, that peppermint tea, white tea and orange juice work wonders (citrusy things in general), as well as eating foods rich in protein. I think soy is a wonder food. I love sugar, but the crash that comes afterwards may not even be worth it. Doing yoga also seems like a great thing for me to do, as well as frequent exercise. I still need to work my way to a happy equilibrium, though, because I'm not quite there yet.

I want to bring this question to all of you: What have some things been that help YOU with sluggishness?

Cheesy, inspiring personal journey update.... yup, one of those.

2009-12-27T06:31:00.008-04:00

Fact: I need some self-esteem.

All these years of feeling inadequate have finally caught up with me... having a harder time reading people my entire life has left me feeling like a misfit, as if there's something wrong with me. It's left me without the confidence to properly experience what life has to offer.

I don't know what it is, but I think I'm finally getting there.

I think what's going on is I'm finally coming to terms with my flaws and will (eventually, hopefully) not let them stand in my way anymore.

I guess the lesson is, here, that if something's holding you back, then you need to discover the source of your insecurities and change what you will to eradicate that obstacle. On What Not to Wear (one of my favorite shows), it's often insecurity that manifests in unflattering decisions. In my case, it's insecurity which manifests itself through me hiding from life, out of fear... Like those women on the show, I can't be afraid anymore.

If you haven't seen What Not To Wear, it's on TLC, and it's far more than a mindless reality TV show. Contestants are actually taught to understand what's holding them back, and how they can improve their lives: It's about far more than just learning how to wear the right clothes. This show is great because it really allows us to see others gain confidence within themselves. Maybe we can all learn by example.

So, the lesson here?

1. Watch What Not To Wear.

2. Do what you can to eradicate your fears.

I'll let you guys know if I ever get there.

"I'm not strange, I'm just me"

2009-10-27T21:49:00.005-03:00

I just came across this video, My Crazy Life, and it really made my day. The video focuses on the daily life of a 14-year-old boy, Reuben. who has Asperger's Syndrome, and his struggle to balance his quirks in a society filled with unwritten rules.

I can definitely relate to him - I've been through the same struggles growing up (and still experience them, come to think of it), and I really appreciate the outlook in which this video was based upon: that having Asperger's is a toss-up of wonderful traits and qualities that our society may seem as a little odd. In the documentary, Reuben is portrayed as an endearing, enthusiastic person whom I'm sure many would love to be friends with (myself included). It's also refreshing to see someone so excited to learn of his diagnosis, seeing it as an explanation for all of his quirky behavior. If mainstream culture can learn to view Asperger's and all other eccentricities in this light, then this would really help promote acceptance of those who would typically be pushed aside.

Here's Part One of Three:

Enjoy!

Social Conditioning?

2009-10-15T21:08:00.004-03:00

For someone with Asperger's, I'm seen as a very social person. I don't necessarily socialize often, but when I'm at school or in class I'll greet people, ask them how everything is going, be nice to them and do my best to treat them with respect. I do this because, not only is it an unwritten rule in our society, but because I was bullied a lot in grade school and have vowed never to treat anybody the way I was treated.

Socializing is seen as a positive thing in our society. Why is that? Are we all putting on a facade to move past everybody else in pursuit of our own selfish gains? What tells us to do this? Is it our fathers and grandfathers working up in their respective professions? The money-obsessed individuals our society seems to be full of? The fact that the charming, charismatic guy who has no other skills will move further ahead than the quiet guy who is brilliant at what he does?

Why are we told to be nice to others? Furthermore, if somebody disrespects us why do we become upset?

I feel like I was trained to be this way at a very young age. As a child, I would hear, "Don't do x, do y and z instead, people prefer that."

I can understand restricting actions that initiate discomfort in the other person, such as pulling someone else's hair or kicking them. What I don't understand are the restriction of certain social behaviors, such as outspokenness, or saying things that unintentionally offend somebody.

Language is a thing that humans developed. We didn't develop pain, we came with nerve endings that send signals to our brain when we've been hurt. While physical impact can be painful, words aren't. Words may affect our emotions, but I feel as if this is a byproduct of social conditioning.We are trained when to feel happy and sad, or at least I was.

In the beginning, I didn't care whether a bully called me names. But as I grew up, I realized that the bully's actions hindered my peers' acceptance of me, and because I was taught that friendships and relationships are some of the most important things out there (also social conditioning), this made me upset. Due to a chain reaction of responses to my actions I wasn't fulfilling the requirements of human contact.

The question is: why are we this way?

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines conditoning as:

con·di·tion·ing

Pronunciation: \-ˈdi-sh(ə-)niŋ\

Function: noun

Date: 1861

1 : the process of training to become physically fit by a regimen of exercise, diet, and rest; also : the resulting state of physical fitness
2 : a simple form of learning involving the formation, strengthening, or weakening of an association between a stimulus and a response

Note the second entry. We are conditioned to act a certain way in response to our society. We act the way we do in response to what we see, and what social rules have been laid out far before our existence.

This is why I feel like the majority of my behavior is artificial. How can we really be ourselves in a world that forces us to keep up with what is considered acceptable behavior?

I often wonder: if I weren't encouraged to act a certain way, if I didn't have the social experiences I had growing up, would I still be the same person? Are we really our true selves or has society shaped us into who we are today? Is it possible for a person to be their true self if they are being involuntarily molded into a pre-existing standard?

I need to hear your thoughts on this. How does this make you feel, what is your opinion? Speak to me!

Auties: Successful in the workplace?

2009-10-11T12:57:00.004-03:00

I just came across this article: Thorkil Sonne: Recruit Autistics (thanks, computerlove at WrongPlanet!) and it really made my day. In the article, Sonne, who runs an IT company in Denmark, makes it a point to hire mostly people on the autism spectrum, because of their attention to detail, fantastic memory, and amazing concentration ability. This company is really working out well for him, because, as stated in the article, "Once on the job, the consultants stay focused beyond the point when most minds go numb. As a result, they make far fewer mistakes."

This seems like such a wonderful work model because it not only breaks conventions, but it opens up jobs for individuals previously thought to be "unhire-able". The only place where I would think a person with Autism may not be suitable for working is in a highly social environment, where office drama is bound to happen and charisma is necessary every step of the way. In the context of work, people should be judged not by their Type A personality (or lack thereof) or by their ability to follow social rules; they should be judged by their ability to work, and how well they work. Get what I'm saying?

Hopefully, as acceptance of autism continues to progress, more companies will start using a similar model. It will put away certain conventions and open up the door to new ones, possibly changing the standard of what the typical workplace environment will be. Isn't that exciting? Autism isn't an epidemic of sorts: we're real people who also need to make a living, and the fact that companies are starting to pay attention to this is wonderful on both our behalf and theirs. Let's keep it coming!!!

Why I Won't be Walking.

2009-10-07T09:33:00.004-03:00

So the Walk for Autism Research is coming up in my area soon. I'm not participating: here's why.

The walk is sponsored by Autism Speaks, an organization that is one of the main supporters of Autism reasearch. Here is a quote from their mission statement :

We are dedicated to funding global biomedical research into the causes, prevention, treatments, and cure for autism; to raising public awareness about autism and its effects on individuals, families, and society; and to bringing hope to all who deal with the hardships of this disorder.

Honestly, I'm glad a group like this exists. I am curious as to where Autism comes from; I'd like ANSWERS rather than mere speculations, though with time, I bet all we'll get is a strongly supported theory. That's all right. We already know there are truly no solid answers in science; we can live with this.

The part that really gets me is when they discuss wishing to "raise public awareness about autism and its effects on individuals, families, and society; and to bringing hope to all who deal with the hardships of this disorder."

Uh, WHAT? Public awareness is fine, just as long as it's in the right context and it displays the right information. What really bothers me is the portrayal of Autism as a disorder. I know you've heard this from me endlessly, but to be quite frank:

AUTISM IS NOT A DISORDER. Social conditioning and our society's take on what is "normal" blows our perceptions of Autism to extremes. Anyone who is slightly different, in the eyes of our society, has a disorder, or even worse, a disease.

I feel like the awareness of Autism is being blown to epidemic proportions. Here's a conversation I had at home the other day with my parents:

Dad: Apparently the number of kids diagnosed with Autism has gone up to 1 in every 98 kids.

Mom: That's awful!

Me: Well, at least they're getting better at diagnosing it...

I love my parents. They're wonderful people, and I wouldn't be where I am today without them. Their views are just something I don't support. Yes, they agree with the whole "Autism Speaks is a Godsend" deal. Despite having done a lot of work in support of Autism in our area (they completely re-vamped my area's education system and helped it grow when I came along), I just don't agree with a lot of things they say about "curing" Autism.

Just because Autism differs from what the standard for "normal" or "typical" is in our society, apparently makes it a disorder! Well, maybe some peoples' brains work differently, ever thought about that? Maybe the kid who is a scientific genuis today but has no friends due to being "lost in space" will one day cure cancer. I know individuals on the Autism spectrum who are some of the most brilliant people I've ever met. I know individuals who are brilliant who don't have anything close to Autism. It's all how you see it.

In conclusion, I do have a form of Autism, but I'm a functioning member of society. I am capable of survival. This is why I don't want to participate in any Autism Awareness events; I want to be seen for who I am, and not as a part of some growing "epidemic". So sorry, I won't be joining you on "Walk for Autism" day. Autism Speaks can suck my dick.

Kanye = Aspie?

2009-09-20T17:26:00.006-03:00

So we all agree that Kanye is a dick... but here's a theory some have:

Does Kanye Have Asperger's?

Though clearly a joke, it's a poorly done one, and one that's making us Aspies look bad. Though I do have Asperger's, I wouldn't stand up in the middle of an award speech to complain about why the other nominee deserved to win, which is contrary to what the link implies. It's inappropriate and embarrassing, and while Aspies may not understand some social conduct here and there, this comparison is inaccurate and irrelevant.

Furthermore, it's an embarrassment on our behalf to compare us to someone as impulsive as Kanye West... if he is on the spectrum, he only represents a small percentage of everyone on the spectrum, if even. Furthermore, this argument could probably be made for ANYONE, it's really the combination of traits which determines whether a diagnosis applies or not.

I've made false assumptions of others being Aspies. I'm sure many people do. It doesn't mean it's true. Whether someone has a diagnosis or not is irrelevant: our ACTIONS are what define us as individuals. There are many facets to a single person, and observing those combinations of traits help us to determine whether the person is a decent human being.

This is why diagnoses are irrelevant in the social realm of things. They only aid us in stereotyping others far more than we need to. Get what I'm saying?

Question for all of you out there.

2009-09-19T10:30:00.002-03:00

I've been on a quest to combat my ever-present fatigue for a while, because I feel that it directly correlates with my ability to function socially (Also, who enjoys feeling like crap? You get what I'm saying.).

I'm aware that this may not be the case for everyone - some people have given up on socializing, or it is no longer a priority for them. Still, I'd like to ask this question to all of you reading:

Which situation would you prefer: being able to communicate effectively while feeling physically and mentally exhausted, or feeling physically and mentally alert while failing to communicate properly?

We all come from different backgrounds and have different life experiences, so please brieftly touch upon your personal experiences. Thanks!

Answer me this

2009-08-25T06:21:00.006-03:00

Why must we assume others live with the goal of wanting to hurt us for their own selfish gain?

Won't this belief only contribute to a life of misery and fear?

Is it unreasonable to still have faith in the good will of others?

Are those who possess blind hope a dying breed?

...

Apparently being a good person is a crime, espescially in a time when apocalyptic wars are probably not too far ahead of us. We're in an age of survival of the fittest, and "fit" is synonymous with being a hardass.

What happened to "do unto others as you would like to have done to you"?
I don't see it. Maybe I'm just lost in time.

All I know is I don't want to live life in fear.

Sound and Vision.

2009-08-10T22:47:00.006-03:00

I love the way my eyes refocus when the lights are turned off, so that all I see are a kaleidoscope of colors.

I love exploring blind spots and visual distortions.

I love closing my eyes into my pillow when I'm in bed and seeing floating neon shapes.

I love looking at one color and seeing twelve within.

I love seeing rainbows be reflected into the most unexpected objects, such as a wine glass.

I love seeing fabrics fold and drape, creating new dimension and telling new stories.

I love getting lost in fabric prints and paint textures.

I love old photographs where the darkest colors are tinted blue and everything looks distorted. I wish we saw things this way.

I love looking into static air and space, and seeing how the air even comes to life as a sort of visual fuzz. But maybe that's just me.

I would much rather be deaf than blind. I prefer staring into the sun over hearing a foghorn.

I love exploring my world through vision. I feel like a visual world can say far more than a verbal world ever could, and it's a beautiful thing.

Roommates

2009-08-09T13:24:00.003-03:00

I knew this was bound to come up. The dreaded roommate discussion.

I've had a long history of bad roommates. I remember taking a summer program with one girl who accused me of breaking her computer, stealing her food (both of which I didn't do), and subsequently put a "DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT" sign on the refrigerator (what a mature way of dealing with things!), and whined about me to all her friends. I'm glad that summer ended when it did.

A few years later, it was my first year of college, and I was stuck with the coldest girl I'd ever met. No matter my efforts to be friendly, she was very rude - she even made nasty comments to me regarding my religious upbringing, and got angry at me when I confronted her about her snoring. I wish I'd left that situation early on and moved out - though I probably wasn't the best roommate either, clearly we weren't a good fit, and if your home base isn't relaxing, then what is? It's stressful knowing that the one place where you're supposed to recuperate is designed to make your life a living hell.

As much as I wanted to share a room with others, I soon learned that I couldn't - I'm the type of person who needs plenty of alone time to recover from everyday interactions. It also doesn't help knowing that my positive interactions are with people I hardly ever see, since I run out of things to say very quickly, and if I spend too much time with a person my awkwardness probably makes them very uncomfortable. In summary, if I don't get at least a few hours of alone time a day I become miserable and can hardly function. I'm the perfect candidate for a single, and that's okay. It means your belongings are in the exact same place as you left them, also that your roommate won't leave the TV on all night. It means you won't be sexiled from your room, either.

Enter sophomore year. I opted for a single within an apartment-style suite, shared with three other girls. It was wonderful because we all had our personal space, but would see each other when we didn't want to be alone. The other girls were very easygoing, and if a concern came up we'd deal with it immediately, in an appropriate manner. We also took care of one another when something difficult came up.

We weren't best friends, but then I learned that we didn't have to be. The only requirement for living with roommates is that you get along, and are able to tolerate each other's weird living habits. It was a very relaxing environment and I had no problem leaving my room. Though there were always people socializing in my living room, I could go lie down in my bedroom and relax by myself, and it would be okay. These are the way things ought to be.

In summary, here's what I'd recommend: If you're out all the time, and use your room merely as a place to store clothes, then it shouldn't matter if you have a roommate. If you require a lot of alone time, then it may be more peaceful if you don't have to deal with fulfilling another person's needs.

If you're worried about making friends your first year of college while having a single, then hear this: you're probably going to be living on a floor with a number of other students. It's perfectly appropriate to spontaneously knock on others' doors just to introduce yourself, and there will be plenty of events where you can get to know people and make new friends. Some of this should be built into orientation as well. It is exhausting, but if you don't retreat into your room for days at a time, I'm sure you'll be able to meet some people you like.

Putting on a disguise

2009-08-09T13:14:00.002-03:00

I've just been noticing this strange phenomenon within myself: I think I have some sort of facial blindness, except it pertains to just me. I often forget what I look like, and am surprised when others recognize me.

Whenever I go out in public, I'll put on a pair of sunglasses. Since they shield my eyes from the world, I feel like they create a barrier between me and everyone else. In a huge city it's kind of a relief: I can finally take a break from awkward glances at people I don't know, and nasty stares from others for looking like a complete oddball.

At the same time, this often perplexes me: I'm surprised when my peers actually recognize me. A person is identified by their eyes, eyebrows, and bridge of the nose. Even when I try to cover up my identifying features, I still stand out, and appear only as myself. I'll only appear to be myself unless I think up some better disguise, so I can give myself a break from the stress of socializing.

Dating

2009-05-30T03:25:00.004-03:00

Seeing as it's been a little while since I've posted, I've decided to discuss an issue that's been grating my mind lately.

I'm now 20 years old, and the whole romantic world is something that is still completely foreign to me. Aside from the issue of intimacy (which I've discussed briefly here), I'm having a difficult time understanding the way in which relationships manifest themselves. So much happens when traveling from Point A, where you and the other person are mere acquaintances, to Point B, when something exclusive is going on - whether it be a relationship, friends with benefits, even something that neither of you will call a relationship but clearly displays an attraction to the other person alone, thereby displaying such exclusivity. A lot of signals are discreetly communicated, little body movements, eye contact, brain signals that are transferred into subtle twitches, signals which inform the individual whether they will make or break the night.

So much goes on behind flirting that I have yet to learn. For years I thought that you'd gussy yourself up, smile at a boy, and BAM! You'd have yourself a boyfriend. Unfortunately, you hardly ever get anything merely by wanting it - you must put in an effort and send out the correct signals to the other person involved, and if those signals are well-received, then perhaps something lovely will spring to life.

I'm learning that the right things must be said as well so the other person doesn't get turned off, and it all must be done in a timely manner before the guy you're interested in gets bored and moves on. I'm learning all of this the hard way, after all this time. It's been one of the hardest and most stressful things I've ever had to make myself aware of. We'll just say this past semester's been extremely difficult, haha.

I've also come to realize, though that the rules of appropriate flirting are something that everyone must learn. From what I've observed, they're generally acquired sometime around mid-adolescence, but there isn't really a time limit on when they can be learnt. I've been stressed out since a lot of my friends currently have boyfriends (not that this is a competition or anything), but I've noticed that even more of my friends are experiencing the same problems as I am. The nervous blushing that taints middle-schoolers' cheeks when they see their crush walk down the hallway happens to students in college as well, causing us to stumble our words and make our brains rush through a premeditated list of insecurities regarding our foolishness for even trying.

Where do nerves end? Confidence. As long as we are confident in our abilities to interact with others, with time, we will meet someone whom we are compatible with. This confidence may take years to acquire, but I have faith that with practice and self-esteem, anyone can get there. I'm not there yet, but hopefully I'll be able to build my confidence up.

It's a difficult journey, but by paying attention to the right rules, I think it can be done. This applies to any goal you may be working towards, not even a relationship. Failure will happen as well, it's inevitable, but we must learn from our mistakes so we can grow. Hopefully I'll get there, as will everyone else out there. Self-confidence is one of the best things anyone can have, and something that everyone deserves.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Sorry if I ramble a bit! Let's just get out there and work on it.

Journal Excerpt 2/26/08

2009-05-19T18:16:00.002-03:00

"...It would be so much easier if you could have ear plugs for your sense of touch. They obviously wouldn't go in your ears, but if you could somehow adjust how you physically feel when you are being touched then it would make life a whole lot easier. I would take advantage of such an opportunity in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, such an idea is impossible. It is up to me alone to control such things. I hope it gets easier over time."

Last week.

2009-05-01T00:41:00.003-03:00

In class, my teacher was reviewing some of our work, when she called me up and told me:

- "Pink, it's really amazing. When I demonstrate these techniques you appear very distracted - "

- "Yeah, I know, I space out a lot."

- "Yes, you do! But you know what's really amazing? In class you seem like you're in your own little world, but then you go home and do an excellent job on everything. I don't know how you do it."

- (to my own surprise) "...I guess it just happens..."

It's odd; I was never even aware of such a thing. I am very easily distracted, but I can follow directions exactly, and I remember very minute details I didn't even realize I was paying attention to at the time.

I guess having a brain wired like this isn't such a bad thing.

Epiphany.

2009-05-01T00:20:00.006-03:00

I originally began this blog to help people step into the mind of someone with Asperger's Syndrome. I've been trying to promote neurodiversity, love, compassion, appreciation and self-respect. I've been trying to get out the message that everybody has a unique mind, and the Autism spectrum is just one tiny slice of the possible distinctions between every single mind out there. For those of you reading this, who are taking in my message, thank you.

However, I really shouldn't be keeping a blog in the first place. I'm just a random young woman who happens to fit into the specific diagnostic criteria for a condition that some people happen to have. I look exactly like every other 20 year old girl on the street, with the same interests and a similar mindset; I'm yet another pawn in the ever-changing army of pop culture, abiding to modern trends in order to not stand out like a sore thumb. I have no clue how my ideas could possibly be that different from anyone else's. Though I'm technically an adult, I still feel like I have a lot of growing up to do, and I have not seen nearly enough of life yet to be preaching ideas which I can hardly grasp myself.

I will still write in here, but I think I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to talk more about my daily interactions and things I'm learning instead of this one-sided preachy bullshit. Because brainwashing is what we're trying to fight, right? Conformity is both a best friend and an enemy, so I want to figure out ways to both embrace it while still remaining the same unique, brilliant individuals with savant-like grasps on subjects the rest of society is unable to focus on.

I'll admit it: my contact with fellow Aspies and Auties is fairly limited, but those I have met are very talented writers, artists, mathematicians, philosophers and thinkers. I'm still amazed by the ambition and devotion these friends of mine place into their field of work, and have no doubt that it will lead them to great happiness and fulfillment, no matter their unique path in getting there.

As my peers and I grow up (imagine the thought), we will learn new things, and maybe uncover something implausibly fantastic. But until then, we need to figure out what life really is.

An Update

2009-04-01T17:32:00.002-03:00

I just wanted to take a quick second to update you guys (or whomever actually reads this blog) with how I'm doing.

I've always had constant fatigue and headaches, and my doctor has been trying to figure out what the cause is. We've ruled out anemia, sinus problems, diabetes, kidney and liver problems, thyroid problems... basically any physical problem. I even found out that it's not lyme disease, which I had previously been tested positive for and subsequently had to take a slew of antibiotics for a few weeks afterwards (it's okay; a false diagnosis is common with lyme disease.). Kind of a pain in the ass, you know?

Well, after my doctor's appointment today, we've concluded that it's most likely something related to my ever-present anxiety. I've always known I've been an anxious person, but I never knew my nerves could drain me of my energy and overwhelm me to that extent. It's all starting to make sense now. Feeling that much tension all the time can be exhausting. I guess I am being completely overloaded with emotions and am in response draining myself. I'm glad it's being figured out now.

If you're feeling tired or fatigued, you shouldn't just learn to accept it - I'd check your symptoms and see if something could actually be wrong. Don't worry about getting treatment for anything either - that's the first step. Hopefully, now that I'm on the right path, I should begin to feel better soon! Nobody should constantly feel like crap - let's do something about it.

The Way of the Aspie

2009-03-25T21:00:00.002-03:00

Asperger's seems to be an issue of adaptation. We have trouble adjusting to new things, learning new social rules. We can't handle surprises or spur-of-the-moment things. Apart from seeing the world differently, I think a great deal of our awkwardness comes from discomfort in unfamiliar situations.

You know what? That's okay. If we stick to the familiar, or work to decode the unknown, then we will be okay. This is the main thing that we have to deal with, and we will have to deal with it constantly, but it's good to know that things do get easier.

What's actually important.

2009-03-25T20:19:00.004-03:00

Today I ran into a classmate, and we spent a few hours talking - about everything. Oddly enough, it wasn't awkward at all. I usually have a hard time holding conversations with people, but she was so easy to talk to, not to mention a really interesting person. I love learning new things about people because they're so interesting to begin with, and when you try to hide those interesting points to give off a certain impression, you are, in a way, cheating yourself out of the connections and experiences you could be having. At least, that's how I feel.

Moments like these are what help me remember that social standards don't really apply. Don't get me wrong; they do in the sense of showing you're engaged in conversation and by not offending the other person, but you really shouldn't be trying to appear flawless. You don't need to be molded into the perfect human being to get by - if you meet individuals whom you really connect with, then those friendships turn into something special. Those friendships may be limited in quantity, but it shouldn't matter how many friends you have anyway.

Also, socializing seems so superficial. I'm referring to large parties, clubs, and anywhere cliques may roam. These instances are more for show than anything, and they completely demolish the concept behind having friends in the first place.

There is no wrong way to go about making friends, unless it involves hurting somebody. And if you have just one friend, as long as that relationship makes you happy, then that is what really matters.

Please pardon my philosophical tangents.

2009-03-17T16:29:00.003-03:00

I've always thought of humanity as being in a transitional stage - the people we aren't now, we will one day become. Just like cultural trends, people also change.

For once, I'm questioning this, because in the short, insignificant amount of time I've been alive, I don't think I've really witnessed enough evidence to find the above statement true.

If somebody is frustruating me, a friend will often say something along the lines of "give it time, he/she will come around." The question though, is, will they? Does the average person really transform that much? I feel like I've transformed more than most, because I've had to acommodate for my own limitations, but do most other people experience the same thing?

Or, and I know this is sad: do people continue to go about their ways, blind to how they are affecting those around them, potentially hurting many loved ones along the way while only acknowledging their own needs?

What I think I'm trying to ask here is, what are the limitations of change?

Reading Body Language: Cosmo

2009-02-27T16:50:00.003-04:00

I know this may sound a bit cliche, but the Cosmopolitan website is the best thing that ever happened to me. A large portion of the articles (endless number, by the way!) are targeted at reading body language and the rules of appropriate conversation in various situations, which is great for anybody who needs a little help in those areas. It presents a lot of those rules which are common sense to most people, but I think it could help Aspies as well - even those who don't fit into the magazine's demographic.

Though it is biased towards western culture, the rules aren't too specific, so I'm sure many people can get something out of these articles.

I thought I'd point it out here, because since a friend pointed it out to me, I've been picking up on so many new social cues that I had previously been blind to. There's still so much more to learn, but this is a nice start.

My Social Experience

2009-02-23T15:14:00.003-04:00

Since I feel like grade school is far enough in the past, I think now is an appropriate time to reflect upon my experience socializing in an NT world. I've gotten decent at it over the years, to the point where I can hold healthy friendships, but there's still a lot to be learned.

Before kindergarten, I don't remember much - I've been told I was the type of child who would play in the corner by herself. I could draw basic human anatomy (five fingers on each hand, two eyes in the right place, etc - none of it was very good in general, but for a toddler I guess I was a pretty good artist!) before I could even speak - my parents sent me to an occupational therapist when I was around two or three. The words came out eventually, but I still wasn't using them, at least not correctly. I did learn eventually but it took years. I'd sit in the corner with my Barbies, not uttering a peep - even when I had friends over.

I remember I enjoyed very directed activities, like dress-up and make believe games. I spent so much time in fantasy worlds that it detatched me from my surroundings - I would be perfectly content with sitting under a table, lost in my thoughts without a care in the world. In kindergarten my parents would let me have playdates with other girls, but even then my mind would go elsewhere - until first grade.

The next year, I met two of my best friends, whom I have remained close with to this day. We'll call the girl Caroline, and she was nearly as quirky and silly as me. We became friends with a boy, Kevin, and would all go on adventures together in the playground - on the swingset, mostly. We created a fantasy world for just the three of us, and we even had an initiation process for entering this world. Now, I knew we were oddballs, but we didn't care at all what other people thought.

With the outside world, however, I couldn't socialize at all. I got fixated with doing a lot of strange Aspie-like behavior, like repeatedly making weird animal noises, and the other children would tease me. It didn't really affect me though - as long as I had my friends and our fantasy world everything was good. I do remember being embarassed for being the only person in the class who had an aide, but that wasn't so bad at the time.

In third grade, I finally became aware of little social nuances here and there that signified popularity - the clothes, the toys, the flashy sneakers, the gel pens that came in 40 different colors and you weren't cool unless you had every single one. Every girl in my class that was well-liked had all of these things and more, and it was around this time when I began to notice that I wasn't like them. I then realized there was something beyond material possessions that these girls had that I didn't, and though I couldn't place my finger on it, I wanted desperately to be like them.

At the beginning of middle school I moved to a new town. This place wasn't so bad - I was still strange, but I had a good number of friends, a few of which I've stayed close with over the years, and even though I made a lot of social faux pas, I think it was around this time where I began to take notice of what behavior did and didn't get me into trouble. I developed my own unique sense of style and enjoyed video games, ice skating and art activities. I was OBSESSED with Pokemon as well, but then again, so was everybody else, so my eccentricities were masked by a universal fad. I was extremely immature and socially behind, but I didn't appear that different from my peers - that is, until high school.

Before high school I moved again, this time to a small town where the kids there were drastically different from me - my eccentricities stood out a lot more in this new, strange town. I didn't know how to initiate friendships in a normal sense and became an outcast. I couldn't hold a conversation with anybody because my insecurities took over, and the condescending attitude my classmates responded with made my self-esteem plummet even further; I couldn't win. The harder I tried to make friends, the more this reputation stuck. Despite what these kids claimed, I knew I was worth it and tried to change everything that made me different. I openly rebelled against any special education services that I was required to take and kept to myself, while still paying attention to how the other girls acted and presented themselves. I was at my worst during this time - my vulnerability was at its highest during these four years.

I tried to distract myself from this reality - I became heavily involved in extracurricular activities and my schoolwork; I desperately wanted to prove that I was intelligent, contrary to what my peers believed. Though they weren't exemplary, I ended up getting decent grades and surprised some people when I got into a few higher-level classes. My ed plan was terminated around my junior year of high school, and though I realize I probably could have still used some help from them, it was nice to know that I, who had been initially diagnosed with pretty low-functioning Asperger's, had surpassed what was expected of me.

During this time, I made some friends in different towns, which was nice. I experienced plenty of social mishaps, but by this point I was able to learn from my experiences and benefit from them.

College has come a lot easier - the experience I gained in high school has helped me loads. I'm also fortunate to go to a relaxed school where my peers are accepting of uniqueness. I still experience a barrier in a lot of my relationships, apart from my closest friends, but it is still nice to bask in a pleasant atmosphere filled with smiling faces. Though I'm still socially behind in some ways, I'm finally okay with this - I'll get there with time. Life will offer endless experiences to gain something from, and I can't even begin to explain how excited I am to see how things move along.

So, if you pay attention to other people around you and get some input from a more objective source, then I think it's possible to learn how to be more socially adept. I know my instance has been more personal, but I'm hoping somebody out there is able to connect with my experience!

The direction of society.

2009-02-12T22:52:00.007-04:00

I had a really odd experience a few days ago, where a friend tried to get me to join a cult.

I know it's a bit harsh to call it a cult (apart from the fact that it actually is one), but this organization works just like Scientology: it's a self-help program geared towards "helping you realize your full potential in life" and whatnot. You pay $500 or so for a weekend-long retreat where inspirational (common sense, really) messages are drilled into your head.

One of my good friends is buying all of this bullshit. He's a good kid with good values, but he's sucking it all in for some reason - he's already been to a few introductory meetings and is signed up for the retreat in a few weeks. I'm scared he won't be the same.

He tried to get me to go to one of the meetings recently, but after some research I was afraid of what would happen to me. Being free-spirited and having the capacity to make my own opinions on things is one of my favorite traits about myself, and yes, the most Aspie-like thing about myself that's remained after years of adjusting to the real world. At the same time, I'm impressionable, extremely gullible, and I always fear that something is wrong with me that I MUST fix. At various times I've thought I've had high blood pressure, ADD, or various personality disorders, while I'm really just hypersensitive to my own faults and will expand their severity in my own mind. I'm a hypochondriac who will go to great lengths to try to fix myself when I probably just have little issues that everybody has to deal with. I don't like having my faults, even imaginary ones, exposed, and then being told I need to fix them (as you can imagine, social skills training didn't sit well with me, haha).

I can't understand why anybody would subject themselves to brainwashing, furthermore PAY to be brainwashed. Freedom of expression is one of the greatest things humanity has to offer, and when you water that down, then there's very little left to appreciate. If we can't be fully ourselves then what do we do?!

Furthermore, I feel like Aspies are susceptible to being brainwashed. We are outsiders who must conform to a given set of social rules so we don't stand out so much. We have to learn proper motor skills, learn to withstand wearing uncomfortable fabrics, and put up with small talk and appropriate conversation, among many other things.

Having Asperger's often means we have enhanced abilities in other areas as well, and when we try to compensate for those areas in which we are lacking, aren't we losing something of our original talents? If a blind man suddenly gains back his vision, will his other senses start to deteriorate?

Though adjusting to NT society may mean good things in the long run, if we change too much, will we end up losing a bit of ourselves?

This scares me. Please try to hold onto your skills and viewpoints which make you an individual. I don't want to see George Orwell's fantasy happen anytime soon.

Sensory Issues

2009-02-07T12:58:00.005-04:00

Inspired by a post written by a new blogger, A, I've decided to touch upon what the experience of Asperger's is for me. I rant and rave so much about the subject that a lot of you probably don't know where I'm coming from... Therefore, I'm going to discuss how many of the issues associated with Asperger's Syndrome affects me. Maybe someone will gain some insight on this, from their own experiences? I hope!

So, about sensory problems. I've had a ton of these growing up. I remember I used to hate tags on clothing, and will usually wear soft cottons. I don't like wearing wool - I have a wool sweater that itches mercilessly through any long-sleeve shirt I put underneath and, hence, never wear. I don't like stiff pants or dress pants - I usually only wear soft, broken in jeans or dresses. I ADORE sweatpants but I still try to look put-together if I wear them. I love the way dress pants look though, so maybe this will change.

I remember violently protesting when my mom trained me to shower instead of taking a bath. I believe I was about six or seven, and the water getting in my face, shampoo falling in my eyes was too much to handle. I would scream my lungs off whenever she made me shower, and would refuse to for days at a time. I've since learned to shower everyday, but it is still an uncomfortable experience in ways. The water hitting me overhead is so overwhelming that my actions in the shower are usually dragged out... They're never longer than 20 minutes, but I'm still finding ways to adjust.

One big problem I've always had has to do with loud empty noises: I can't STAND them. These include things like the vacuum, which I have to operate myself to be able to tolerate, the sound of traffic outside, grasshoppers chirping in the summer while I'm trying to sleep (hence, I can't sleep with the window open), TV static, the microwave, even the soft fuzzy noise my computer is giving off right now.... you get what I'm saying. If the sound is directed in any way, like music or television, then it's fine (even live music is perfectly fine), but those sounds that aren't meant to be made really bother me. It just feels like giant obstructions are filling my ears and jumbling around my thoughts. If one of these sounds are going, I can't function, to put it bluntly. This is one of my biggest sensory problems.

Another problem I have extends into the social realm of things: I'm very tacitly sensitive, so I can't handle being tickled. Even the slightest of human contact gives off a tickle. I'm fine with hugs and all that, but if someone touches a certain part of my arm, or tries to pat my shoulder, I can't help but giggle a little, and I'll get furious at my friends if they intentionally try to tickle me. I'm tickled even if somebody shifts around where my shirt lies on my back... Also, being intimate with someone is usually a pleasant experience (granted, if he's a good kisser), but in my brain, intimate touching reads as tickling, and it can get frustrating for the other person involved. It's obviously something I need to get used to, so I hope I'm able to over time.

Also, my own personal well-being can cause sensory problems. Headaches and exhaustion feel like the end of the world. If I've had five hours of sleep, it will feel like I haven't had any, and I'll need plenty of caffeine and vitamins in order to function. I guess my body shows more easily when I'm not at the peak of my health. I don't know how much this reaches into the realm of sensory issues but I thought it was relevant nonetheless, and I'm wondering if anyone else experiences the same thing?

On another note, I love heavy-feeling things. I enjoy wearing many layers of clothing and giant, thick blankets when I sleep. I've read that this has to do with Asperger's in that some of those who have it like to apply pressure in order to relax. Part of this is why weighted blankets are so successful for many people (you can read more about this here). If you're interested in buying a weighted blanket, then there are many places available online.

I hope this post has helped some people gain insight on either themselves or their loved ones. As always, please share your own sensory experiences, or anything you'd like to say at all. Peace!

A Random Act of Kindness

2009-02-04T20:19:00.003-04:00

Today I was doing some laundry, and after eyeing a nearby vending machine, I decided I wanted to get a bag of chips. I inserted my money and punched in the numbers for a bag of Lay's.

You can only imagine my frustration when the chips got stuck!

I started slamming the machine in fury with my palms - unfortunately, due to my nonexistant upper body strength, they remained stuck.

A random woman whom I had never seen before was walking past, saying nothing more than "it got stuck?" Ignoring my response, she tipped back the machine so the chips fell, and continued on her way. I barely had any time to thank her.

Though it was a small action, I was reminded of how wonderful people can be. Such actions can really create a distinction between a potentially bad day and a very good one. I'm going to try doing more of these sorts of things for others, and no matter how your brain functions, I think everybody could afford to bring a few smiles here and there.

Things to learn

2009-01-27T04:00:00.004-04:00

Self-assurance

Dignity

Confidence

The ability to not let others bring us down

How to take charge of one's own life

My best friend once told me, "The one thing that changed my life was when I realized that it doesn't matter what others think of you. It took me a while, but understanding this is the best thing anybody can do for themselves."

This statement has to be the most important thing anyone's ever said to me, and years later I'm trying to figure out if I've actually gotten there.

Life beats you over the head sometimes, and it seems to happen more easily to me than to others - I guess I'm just wired that way, able to handle less.

Naturally, I'm terrified silly, though this reaction has become rather commonplace.

The optimist in me is yelling to fight back and slaughter my inner fears cold.

I have a bunch of numbers for doctors around my area, and I'm going to start making phone calls tomorrow. I'm not self-assured just yet, but I've finally realized I can't let my own thoughts destroy me. Now all I need is the help to actually accomplish this.

Anxiety can fucking suck it.

Understanding Relationships: Benefactors vs. Leeches

2009-01-21T04:24:00.005-04:00

I am sitting here after yet another failed attempt at anything. Funny, huh?

It's becoming apparent to me that Aspies have a unique sense of humor all their own. Mine borders on the line of childish, crude silliness that isn't directed at anyone's expense, to be vaguely put. I don't like offending people, so I veer towards always being the nice one, always being humble, quiet (to avoid blurting out something inappropriate that may offend somebody), generally being too sweet. It's both a blessing and a curse - I hardly ever hurt anybody's feelings, but at the same time, I struggle to maintain a friendship that lasts longer than a few weeks - apart from my few true friends, of course.

Basically, I get boring, so people move on. Good for the office, bad for the social world.

Because of this, the people I become associated with often fall into two categories: the nurturing, and the harmful. The relationship I have with the first group comes from a cycle of support: we exchange advice, take care of one another when the other one is sick, do favors for each other, provide the necessary pick-me-up in the case of a break up - you get the idea. This is the more traditional type of a friendship where everyone is the benefactor, though in my case it isn't so humor-based (unless focused pop culture and television). My closest friends all fall into this category, and I'm grateful for that - without such wonderful people in my life I would have nothing.

I am just beginning to understand why I attract the second group - they are cruel, manipulative, superficially charming individuals who look to suck the life out of us because we appear weaker than they do; They have their way with you and then toss you aside. I'm thinking this occurs in my case because I appear so reserved, and unfortunately I can't work a whole room on my own, if you know what I'm saying - I need to respond to others, it's just the way I am.

Socializing is a process of filtering through people and keeping those who help you, and distancing yourself from those who don't - simple as that. If this is the case, then why do we attract so many leeches?

I'm noticing that a lot of guys who express a romantic (or at least sexual) interest in me fall into the second category - they get distracted, or will be excessively rude if they suddenly decide that they aren't interested after all. Perhaps this is the hooking-up culture spitting me in the face, for it is exactly what I don't want. Who knows, if I were the life of the party, maybe I would be this way as well. Having been described as a "fun drunk" I do particularly well with socializing at parties, but after the booze wears off and the sun comes up I'm left with only my shyness and a lack of anything interesting to say - hence, my weak point. Gotta love college, right?

Why do we have to countlessly be victimized by those who are more charismatic, more power-hungry than we are? Certainly there has to be something better out there! Sure, I'm surrounded by a number of immature young men, but is this just a generational thing, or will they be this way forever?

Until then, I guess we just have to recognize who is best for us... it gets easier, right?

a tadpole amidst a sea of frogs.

2009-01-05T03:49:00.004-04:00

I had a frighteningly eye-opening conversation with my dad a few days ago - a general summary of what he told me:

"You've made so much progress thus far, but I can't understand how you'll possibly survive in the work world. You forget appointments, you're disorganized, and you are stuck in these one-sided generalizations about work. The frustrating thing is, though that you refuse to acknowledge them and work on these issues. You're driving yourself into a deep hole, _______ - you're creating a handicap for yourself where you'll be incapable of working."

Now I'm not a religious person, but let me pray to God that none of this is true. I've had such big dreams for years, and if his words are entirely accurate, and I do nothing about this, then I will be incapable of accomplishing those big dreams. I've been pushing myself through school my entire life to get to where I'll be within 5-10 years, and if all of my efforts thus far turn out to be completely fruitless, then what am I to do?

I hate to admit it, but I do see some fact behind his words. He means well (even though the general statement above is a bit harsh) and he wants nothing but the best for me. Let's face it: I'm awful on the phone, I have difficulty schedueling appointments and calling back people (and furthermore, knowing when to do so), and I can't understand people's expectations unless they explicitly tell me what these expectations are. This may cause a number of problems with employers in the future, you know?

Of course, I would ideally like to run my own business to not be beat down by a higher authority (this is what gets to me), but doing this even involves skills that I don't yet have. I'm taking my traits into consideration when doing this - and it really is possible - a solitary environment where I'm surrounded by my own creativity and a few close employees and business partners is really all I need.

Finding the success I will need to support myself, however, requires people and organizational skills I don't yet have. I really hope I get there. There's nothing wrong with recieving an SSI from the government but I would like to be able to say I've gotten this far on my own. I guess I'm stubborn in that sense, heh.

Maybe I will go to some of those Asperger's group meetings my dad keeps telling me about. I used to be terrified of them when I was younger, as it's taken me years to adjust to the idea of having Asperger's and standing out due to some of these traits. I'm still not completely adjusted now, but I think going to meetings like these will help me get there. I'm still young, so there's still time, right?

If I start now, hopefully I'll be okay. I would be interested in hearing about others' experiences with adjusting to the work world, if anyone reading this is interested in sharing. Ta-ta!

Cyber Bullying: Don't Let it Happen!

2008-12-31T16:54:00.005-04:00

Technology is a scary, scary thing.

As a former victim of cyber bullying, I urge everyone reading this, regardless of age or standing in life:

PLEASE don't go through this alone.

If you are a student, please alert a parent or guardian about this, so they can alert the school or the bully's parents and take care of the situation. Don't, and I repeat, DON'T KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Others care only for your safety and you are not an inconvenience to anybody since all you want is to appreciate who you are and not be forced to believe otherwise.

Too many cyberbullying stories end with the victim being emotionally scarred, depressed or even suicidal. We don't need anymore suicides to happen, and if anyone believes otherwise then they need plenty of psychiatric help.

If you are recieving any threatening messages, then save the message as evidence and block the person from communicating with you by any means possible - even if this means changing your phone number or screen name - your safety is more important! Show these messages to a parent, teacher, police officer or any authority available; they can help you.

You don't deserve to suffer. When it was happening to me, I didn't have the common sense to tell my parents about it at the time, which was a HUGE mistake.

Do me a favor, and please don't make the same mistakes that I have. Tell somebody who can make a difference. Everybody deserves to live a happy life, and it is our responsibility to eliminate those things from our lives that tarnish them. Please be cautious, responsible, and happy.

More information on Cyber Bullying:

A Cyber Bullying Primer: Myspace Information for Parents

STOP Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying.us

iSafe on Cyber Bullying

The Vaccine Theory: My Opinion.

2008-12-24T14:53:00.010-04:00

When I was a baby, I got a vaccine for Pertussis (Whooping Cough). Apparently when they administered the shot, I turned blue and started shaking. The doctor told my mom, "she is having a neurological reaction, she will never be the same." Ever since, my mom has been convinced that my Asperger's has been caused by this single shot. I used to agree with her, but lately I'm not so sure.

I've looked into this recently, and alas, many parents are complaining that various vaccines caused Autism in their children. I feel like a lot of this is coming from a generation where knowledge of Autism wasn't commonplace, so they're treating it like an epidemic (if that makes sense).

On the contrary, I've been looking at my Astrological Chart lately, and it describes my personality exactly. It states that I need a break from socializing every now and then, how I'm very passionate about the things I love, and that I have a strange sense of humor that doesn't seem apparent until you really get to know me. These all seem to be Aspie traits, at least in my case - I find it interesting that it's written into my chart.. (If you are interested in reading your own birth chart, then click here. Good explanations of traits assigned based on where the planets fall can be found here.)

Now, Astrology may not necessarily be the most valid form of analyzing oneself, but it is scarily accurate. Your Astrological Chart is determined at birth by where the planets are placed in relaton to your birth location at that specific time. I know this is really a stretch, but if my personality was supposedly determined at my birth, and the Pertussis vaccine was given a year or so later, how much could possibly have been changed?

I'm not going to deny that the vaccine didn't give me any problems, for I had plenty of behavioral issues growing up (though I can't attribute those problems to the vaccine, either...), but my personality has always been the same - I've just had to learn how to utilize it to benefit myself and my surroundings. Also, I think a great deal of Autism Spectrum Conditions are genetic. Some immediate family members display a few traits, and I have a cousin who is also an Aspie, and another cousin with ADHD. This is often the case - many individuals on the spectrum have relatives who share traits as well.

What I really don't like about the vaccine theory is that it solidifies the idea of Autism as a Disorder, rather than a different way of percieving the world. I don't want to see myself as the result of a science experiment gone wrong. If the vaccine had any impact on who I am today,and if perhaps in 50 years we find out that this vaccine actually did cause Autism in thousands of children, then I'd much rather see myself as Peter Parker turning into Spiderman. If society wants to think we're an epidemic that needs to be cured, talents and all, here's what I have to say: these are the things that make us unique, and I'd rather my case be comparable to Spiderman's (issues and all) over the average person any day.

Here is my rant on the subject, hope it made sense.

Institute for the Study of the Neurologically Typical

2008-12-21T23:50:00.003-04:00

I've found a completely hysterical parody on Autism studies. This guy has a fantastic statement in response to the prevalence put on these studies. We focus so much on studies, yet they don't really benefit us in discovering who we truly are. Studies aren't going to necessarily help us get by more easily in life (except for in the consolation that we are not the only ones going through this).

What helps the most is learning through experiences. This is why I have made this blog, and why I read similar ones: we must do what we can in order to help understand the world better. Hey, even Autism support groups (if you're not such a pansy like me and actually enroll in one) are beneficial as well.

Once you learn from experiences, it sets you off in the right direction. I want to find more blogs on Autism (if you happen to be reading mine and you have one/know of any, please let me know!), because I've found that, in a world where I don't know of many on the spectrum/am not at that point in discussing Autism with them in person, it is a great way of learning how to manage better in the world. I encourage all of you to read more, even some of those studies which don't necessary apply to you, because who knows when they may help?

Anyway, here is that link: Institute for the Study of the Neurologically Typical

Happy reading!

...Too Nice?

2008-12-18T21:28:00.003-04:00

Today I had an interesting experience, which made me think: How can I tell when I am supposed to be upset, as opposed to when I should be happy?

When I woke up, I was presented with a wonderful surprise: an early winter break! What better way to celebrate than to go shopping?

So shopping is exactly what I did: I've been dying for a cute, versatile pair of boots for a while, but unfortunately I'm broke. So I checked out this upscale consignment shop near my school, found a pair, and was about to go try them on when an employee approached me and said "...I'm sorry, but I was going buy those boots! They've been here for a few weeks but we were banned from buying anything until tomorrow night."

I thought, okay, whatever, I'm extremely picky anyway, and I wasn't exactly attached to those boots. It's no big deal if she gets them. Besides, she promised me a huge discount, so it was okay. This girl kept going on about how I was such a nice person, and how this was my "good Christmas deed". We talked for a little bit (she was about my age, and had a roommate who went to the same school as me) - casual conversation, it was fine.

She brought out a similar pair of boots for me to try on, in the same size. I decided to try them on - they weren't as cute, but they were still in the range of what I was looking for, so it couldn't hurt. When I tried them on, though, I noticed that they were too tight in the calves, and a seam on the side had ripped. I wasn't disappointed, but I brought them to the girl to show her. She was trying to be nice about it, suggesting I bring them to a cobbler, but I didn't like them enough anyway.

I could tell that the other employees felt bad, because they began looking for boots that I might like ("you should check out these riding boots here...", but frankly, I didn't really like any of them. I took a peek around the rest of the store and walked out, but before leaving, I very kindly and enthusiastically thanked one of those employees for helping me, which she seemed taken aback by. Uncomfortably, she said "...no problem!" and I said goodbye and left...

Afterwards, I was thinking, why was she surprised by me being so nice to her? Aren't you supposed to be courteous and polite to others unless they really upset you? I mean, I was upset, but it wasn't the end of the world for me, I'll probably be able to find another pair of boots somewhere else.

I think I have trouble expressing anger. Ever since I was little, I've been taught to be polite, courteous and generally nice to everybody. I know these are good traits for a person to have, but I feel like it was drilled into my brain so much that I am now unable to recognize when I shouldn't act this way - it's like I'm a robot and this is the default setting I'm stuck on. I worry sometimes that my kindness is a cold sort of kindness as well - I can't really tell if I mean it or not anymore. I'll do nice things for people, because I'm expected to, and I really do mean well, but I can never tell if my intentions are coming across well enough.

Either way, I don't understand why people don't take kindness that well - do they expect me to be a bitch? I probably should have been angry in that situation, but frankly, I just didn't care, and I've learned that anger just isn't worth it. You can say the exact same thing more constructively without getting angry.

Maybe I should learn when it is appropriate to get angry. I need to pay better attention in the future.

Well, I have no idea whether what I was trying to say came across well, so let me know... I'm pretty tired now, time to rest. until then, goodnight!

Strange Dream

2008-12-14T16:45:00.005-04:00

Last night I had an oddly significant dream... I was at a halloween party with a bunch of people I didn't recognize, but apparently they were my friends. I was wearing my costume (it was pretty outlandish this year, haha), and was sitting on a couch drinking with a friend. Somebody took a picture of us, and I guess, in the picture, my shirt and bra completely disintegrated so that I appeared topless.

See, the strange thing with me and nudity is, I don't care if people around me decide to take of their clothes, but I could never do the same. I would never let anyone see my bare chest, I would feel completely vulnerable and uncomfortable, even despite my friends being the complete opposite.

In the dream, I found out a little while later that I was naked in this photo, and was flabbergasted. I remember all these guys from that party laughing at the photo and showing all their friends. I remember even having a conversation with a close friend:

"by the way, my boyfriend thinks you're hot."

"...is it because of that photo?"

"well, yeah!"

I just found it so significant because it seems to be a metaphor for my whole high school finding out I had Asperger's. This happened sometime around my junior year. I do whatever I can to hide the worst parts of it and make it easier to manage (hence, the bra I was wearing in the dream), but once it was exposed all of that didn't matter anymore, it was out there, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Furthermore, it changed the perspective of how everyone interpreted anything I said - they learned not to take anything seriously.

Now, I've gained the necessary skills to hide most of my Asperger's (except to those I can trust), but I have to watch my behavior at all times. I hope to succeed one day, but I don't want to live the rest of my life in hiding. I don't want to live as a lie - I want to fully be myself. I'm hoping to get there, just so somebody can say they have.

I'd like to be honest about myself for once. I'm female, I'm 19 years old, and I have Asperger's Syndrome. And if you don't like that then you can all go fuck yourselves.

Speech Problems

2008-12-11T23:16:00.005-04:00

I feel like, based on how I speak, people don't take me seriously enough. I speak very slowly, past the point of being articulate - I sound slow, or mentally challenged. This is not an exaggeration - many people underestimate my IQ and treat me condescendingly.

Part of this also has to do with my insecurity regarding that and other aspects of my speech. I feel like I come across as disinterested when talking to others, when in reality, I care so much that I'm searching intently for the right words to say. I also can't stand the tone of my voice - it is rather monotonous and it sounds irritating, little girlish at times - so I have instinctively taught myself to speak less over the years.

I wish I hadn't done this, because I would like to make more friends, and actually survive with a job, not to mention get hired in the first place. A first impression seems to be everything, and I would like to learn how to make a positive one. It seems like companies would hire the bubbly, charismatic girl over me, regardless of any actual ability.

I have had somebody tell me, "my friend and I try to speak like you. We both talk so fast, so it is nice to be able to understand every little word you say. You sound so calm!" It's nice being acknowledged for something like that, but sometimes I speak too slowly, and I feel like people get fed up with it, as if they are impatient with the time I take to spit out my words. I would just like to speak faster with some things so that I am taken more seriously, and so that I don't frusturate people. I hope I can get there, especially in a few years, when it matters the most.

Something I've learned recently

2008-12-09T19:20:00.004-04:00

If you're aware of when you've done or said something wrong, then you are growing and maturing. Nobody stays the same; our experiences help to shape us into who we are and the people we one day will become.

Everybody messes up.

Don't let your mistakes define you.

These mistakes are a thing of the past; you can focus on what you've learned from the experience, but don't dwell on the mess-up itself.

Don't forget it.

Inside the mind of an Aspie: Social Experiences and Appropriateness

2008-12-07T15:00:00.008-04:00

I love having Asperger's, but some aspects of it can make life more difficult. Even though I love having heightened senses, being able to focus on something for extended periods of time, and being so passionate about something that others may ignore, there are still issues that go along with this condition.

Socializing is a big issue for me. Though I'm capable of learning how to socialize, I feel like I'm learning all of this a few years later than most Neurotypical individuals. Though I'm in college, I feel like I have the same social experiences as a 16 year old, it's all just delayed. I've progressed through a lot so far, but there's still a lot for me to experience that most of my friends have already had.

Then again, it's unfair to put social standards on milestones in a person's life. Everybody is different, and experiences different things at different times. I'm still learning how to socialize appropriately, while most of my friends are there, or at clearly work with some sort of social understanding. I can tell by their facial expressions, and when they stumble for words (probably thinking "she shouldn't have said this, it makes me uncomfortable"). From reading these cues, I can tell when I've done something wrong. These little cues have helped me to tell when I've accidentally blurted out something inappropriate. If the thing I've said is really bad, I'll usually find a time when I can pull the person I've addressed it to aside and apologize for my inappropriateness. This will inform the person that I'm aware that I did something wrong and that I'm not completely soul-less, so that I may remain in their circle of friends.

Another thing that puzzles me is when is it appropriate to discuss difficult situations? I went through a lot of hard things last year, and I can never tell when I can discuss these things with people. I'm always afraid of blurting out something to an acquaintance, with other people overhearing, because I don't want them to base this negativity on who I actually am as a person. I can't tell when people discuss them with me, because I feel like I have different social standards than everybody around me - what I consider to be a "friend" may be different than whom someone else may consider a "friend", and our perceptions of the closeness of that friendship are most likely completely different. Therefore, I don't know when to discuss unhappy things with people. I am a very happy person, most of the time, but I can be extremely cynical, and never experience steady emotions. I may appear perfectly stable from the outside, but inside my mind is rushing and, most likely, panicking. Nervous thoughts tend to circulate through, mostly about worrying whether what I've said is appropriate or not. It's something I need to learn how to control.

I have learned, however, some sort of basis for when to mention negative things. Here it is.

APPROPRIATE:

When you're alone with a very close friend

When you're with a few close friends

When any acquaintances are not nearby

NOT APPROPRIATE:

At a party, unless you pull a person aside

In a large social setting

At an event, fundraiser, dance, or anything of that kind

When a person you're going to say negative things about is nearby

Here is a short little list... I'm still working on it, and will be adding to it constantly. Let me know if you have anything to add to it!

NOTE: Let's talk about positive things... snow and gluten-free pancakes. Happy happy happy.

Positivity.

2008-12-01T00:25:00.005-04:00

I know a lot of you think I'm unrealistic in my celebration of Autism, but honestly, there are so many good things about it! I can't even begin to stress this enough.

This article sums up my point of view quite nicely:

The Discovery of Aspie Criteria

Read it and tell me what you think. Autism and Asperger's can't be ALL bad, right?

Maturity.

2008-11-29T00:40:00.007-04:00

I have reached an epiphany: I've finally experienced a substantial amount of life.

While I still feel very immature, I'm finally consciously following my own path. This may be difficult to explain, but for most of my life, I've felt as if I was merely existing: silenced, oppressed, too quiet to have my opinions matter. I feel as if, until now, my decisions were chosen for me by teachers, therapists, and parents, that I was just along for the ride and had to agree to their every command.

Now, my life is in my own hands. Instead of being dragged along, I'm motivating myself and making my own decisions. Though I'm experiencing life a little later than most people my age, I'm there, working on it, progressing on my own. It's exciting - and a little scary.

I finally have a large pool of memories which I can draw from to learn from past experiences, and maybe even mature further. Before this point, it was as if I was watching my life in front of me - I felt completely separate from my experiences, as if I were a mere observer.

I can finally become an active player in my own life. I still have a great deal of life to experience, but it's nice to know that I have control over most of it, and that I will gain further control as I travel through.

It's about time.

The mind of a child.

2008-11-25T16:15:00.008-04:00

These past few days I've picked up a new book: Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes. It's not something I would typically read (usually biographies or psychology textbooks for fun... strange, I know), but I'm really enjoying it.

If you're not familiar with the story, Don Quixote is about a man who reads a lot of stories on chivalry and the medieval times, and decides he wants to become a knight. Everybody thinks he is insane because those days of feudalism had long passed, and because he employs such a unique approach in becoming a respected member of society. He gets into fights with windmills ("giants"), names a random woman as his mistress, and thinks that a bunch of sheep are an army trying to fight him.

The whole book, or as much of it as I have read, is comical and silly, but the main idea it is trying to express is how society dulls down people, and how those with a childlike drive may stand out in odd ways. In spite of this, these individuals are the most fulfilled because they are following their intuition and not anybody else's.

Even if it means complete isolation and making fools out of ourselves, I believe we should all be like Don Quixote in trying to fulfill our idealistic dreams. This is very much the way that children think - straight to the point and imaginative - until they grow up and are forced to conform to society's standards. It's a shame that this happens, because I'm noticing more and more that our culture, which is reflective of this world we live in, is watered-down and dull. The current counter-culture among teens and young adults doesn't even know what it's rebelling against, since everyone is essentially the same. Though we all try to be unique, who really is anymore? Likewise, adulthood forces the majority of people into cubicles and the same tailored suit. Even the artists out there have to appeal to a certain audience, it's really a shame. What happened to creating art to say what you want to say? Don't get me wrong; there are still those kinds of artists out there, but unfortunately these artists are becoming a rarity.

This is really turning into a rant (which isn't want I'm going for), but people need to think like children, really indulge in their dreams, and not care what anybody else thinks. We should go back to those days of wanting to be a firefighter, an astronaut, a pop singer. What 5 year old wants to be an accountant? Think about that. Find out what your biggest dreams are and work at them! You'll be so much happier in the long run, believe me.

Bob Dylan's got it right!

2008-11-24T12:26:00.005-04:00

This song is completely relevant, even today.

I'm sure you've heard it before, but I felt like it was necessary to post.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Blend in, or stand out?

2008-11-17T18:00:00.004-04:00

There comes a time in the life of a society where the individuals living in it experience a tension in how they respond to their society. Stereotypes and differences seem to prevail, and those experiencing these differences are often pointed at and laughed at. Many responses from this treatment result: the few unique individuals attempt to conform, are faced with depression and many underlying psychological issues, or they simply cannot live in the society they are placed in - they band together with those that are like them to create their own mini-society, or they fall off the face of the Earth.

In a time of change, however, when these differences are exposed, people must fight back - show your differences, how they affect you, and from these actions change will result. New acceptance will arrive on many different levels. It has happened in history for many different groups, and in time will happen for those on the Autism Spectrum. I know I've been putting a lot of stress on this lately, but believe me: with time, it will happen, things will change.

How do we know, though, when to give up trying to blend in with society and show who we really are?

I was diagnosed with Asperger's just years after it was accepted as a condition. I was force-fed therapy and behavioral training which molded me into the almost-"normal"-seeming girl I am today. If I tell people that I do, in fact, have Asperger's Syndrome, 75% of the time they won't believe me. "You seem so normal! You're going to be fine! I don't know why you're overreacting over your social discrepancies because you're likeable and you blend in socially."

I don't buy this bullshit. I know I'm good at faking being Neurotypical, but the truth is, I feel so different inside. I'm so critical of my own mess-ups and I always feel like I'm putting on such a facade, to what - be like everyone else? Believe me, I'm only doing this for survival. I only followed through with my parent's demands so that I would be socially proficient enough to get a decent enough job that wouldn't leave me homeless and starving. I want to make enough money to express myself creatively, and that's really it. It's embedded in my brain that I should care about catering to everyone else, but you know what? I don't give a fuck about impressing anyone besides those who will contribute to my eventual survival (or lack thereof). I've been trained to not socially fuck up, but I'm only following through with what society expects of me because I don't like upsetting people with rude comments. I don't care if you don't like me because I unintentionally said something rude, I only care that I made you upset, because well, I don't like making anyone upset, it goes against my personal philosophy of peace and how people should interact with one another.

Basically, I only make you happy because I believe that everybody should be happy.

I just got out of my Art History class, where we've been talking a lot about Identity Politics and social change. This all happens in the scope of modern art. Let's look at artists like Adrian Piper, who emphasized being African-American when she could pass herself off as white, and Kara Walker, whose work consists of exposing social stereotypes of race in large scale, to the point where it can be seen as highly offensive and even disgusting (I'm not going to provide specific examples here; Google their work if you'd like to learn more). These women use art to work through their issues with how society percieves them; shouldn't everybody find a means of doing that? At the same time, if we expose our differences, doesn't that go against all the work we're doing in an attempt to neutralize them?

So, if society is inevitably going to change to accept those with neurological differences, should we speed up the process and expose our insecurities and personal feeling about Autism by exposing these traits which society has taught us to hide; or should we conform, and show that an Autistic individual can be "normal" as well?

I know a lot of what I'm saying here may be contradictory, but I just have to get it off my chest. I had the hardest time sitting through that class because so many thoughts were racing through my head and fighting with one another. It's something I need to resolve. I know we can't predict the future, but how should we deal with things when Autism Spectrum disorders get more exposure? Should we conform with the rest of society or embrace our differences? For those of you reading this, I want to hear what you're thinking, because this doesn't just affect those with Autism, it affects any group of people who stand out. This affects everybody, which is why I think everyone needs a valid opinion on it - we need to act in some way, I'm just having trouble deciding how.

Just a thought

2008-11-17T14:13:00.004-04:00

Art represents certain aspects of the current state of our society. If we create more art about having Asperger's, will it create more awareness and acceptance?

This is just something I've been pondering. I want to create more AS-related art. Maybe it will help the idea of neurological differences cross more people's minds. Maybe it can help give way to some sort of revolution. Who sees the same way as I do?

"Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Synrome" by Mark Segar

2008-11-12T14:39:00.006-04:00

While looking back on my own life, I have learned to observe my actions with others, in an attempt to judge what does work and what doesn't. I'm sure many people on the spectrum do this, and it is a wonderful idea. Sometimes, though, we cannot objectively judge our own actions, for false perceptions of societal standards may get in the way. In this case, it is a good idea to get another person's opinion, but sometimes their perceptions are skewed as well.

This is why I would like to mention Mark Segar's book, "Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Syndrome". It is a basic outline for interpreting everyday situations one might experience. This guide is great because it explains what things mean, how to interpret sarcasm, what typical body language is, as well as many other things. Part of the beauty of this book is that it is written very simply, organized with Aspies in mind: bullet-point lists, simple grammar that anyone can understand. Both a child in grade school and an older adult will be able to gain something from this book, no matter what background or culture you come from.

Everyone can learn from this book, and use it for different purposes. I have been using it to reflect on past experiences to decode the behavior of others, in better understanding their actions, and in the case of a bad situation, knowing how to keep it from happening again. Other people may use it to learn how to fit in better, how to hold a conversation more fluidly, whatever they need to work on to make their lives easier.

I think everyone who has some form of Autism Spectrum Disorder should take a look at this book. It has helped me immensely, and I hope other people can gain something from it. The whole book has been put online, and can be accessed by clicking here:

Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Syndrome by Mark Segar

Now happy reading everyone!

Election Response, Part II:

2008-11-05T03:17:00.007-04:00

I am especially happy about the outcome of this election. Finally we can be let back into a utopian-esque society that turned into the idea of American freedom. Our president-to-be is perfect in such critical times, because he represents the changes our society has undergone, and the growth we have yet to experience.

I'm sure my parents' generation, who lived through the civil rights period, is excited and surprised to finally see a president who is African American. Though I wasn't alive when all of this was happening, it makes me so proud to know how far our country has come, how accepting American society has become of those who don't fit into a specific mold. We are about to see our country progress in ways which had previously been unimaginable. I have no idea what will happen, but I'm thrilled to be a part of an ever-changing generation. I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about these leaps and bounds I helped society make when I was young, it will be so exciting to look back and see that we've accomplished so much.

Just think: if acceptance towards individuals of a different race has finally occured, next comes acceptance towards those who express their sexuality in different ways, and then... true neurodiversity. It's bound to happen, I just know it. I'm really looking forward to witnessing how we progress.

If so many things can be changed in a century, what can happen if you add another century? The possibilities are endless. It's a lot to wrap your brain around, but it will be exciting, fresh, and revolutionary when changes start to be made in the way our society perceives others. I can't wait.

A Lesson from Obama

2008-11-05T02:47:00.008-04:00

In the most brutal of times, it takes a great deal of self-respect and confidence to combat any threats that come flying your way. You need to trust that what you're doing is the right thing, that you need to show your good side to everybody and smile through it all, in order to avoid becoming vicious to the person spitting at you.

I think we could all learn a lesson from Barack Obama. He's struggled through a tough campaign, with McCain throwing petty insults attempting to remove his credibility. Obama was mercilessly attacked by the media, but he held his head high through it all, defended himself when he needed to do so, and never once unleashed a vicious revenge cycle upon John McCain. McCain, in an incredibly weak move, tried to make his campaign seem as monumental as Obama's - by picking a woman - another first. Needless to say, his plan backfired, and we all know how the rest goes.

Obama was called all sorts of names - underqualified socialist, terrorist sympathizer, you name it - but he didn't let a single thing get to him. He smiled right through the fight, convinced that his decency would shine right through. You know what? It did. He did end up being elected after all, right? Those snide remarks certainly didn't stand in the way of him becoming our future leader.

Obama has taught us all a lesson which we should apply to our own lives: don't let the worst criticisms get to you, stay steady, keep your head high, and be as pleasant as possible, even in the trickiest of times. I've dealt with similar things in my short life (though not on a national scale), and I've learned that if you show your good side to people, then any rumors will be dispelled by how you treat these individuals. Nobody deserves to be humiliated, and if it does happen to you, then the person doing so needs to sort out some underlying issues of their own. If things get bad then it may be good to report this to a higher authority, but until then don't let it bother you. You will feel so much better with less to worry about!

In short: if you treat others with kindness, then you will be rewarded with kindness. If you treat others disrespectfully, then this is what you'll recieve.

Hate.

2008-11-01T06:22:00.006-03:00

It's all around us. It fuels wars, feeds to our desires to hurt others, and subsequently, doesn't do us any good. Why, then, do we have to hate?

Apart from pure joy, I've always found strong emotions to be a little bit scary. Strong hate tends to run deep, is irreversible, and is capable of creating damage which cannot be fixed - all as a result of a few wrong words that are said. Silly, isn't it?

Few people in the world actually gain satisfaction from hurting others: these people need to be avoided at all costs.

In all honesty, where does hate get you? Nowhere! If you are the type of person to express dissatisfaction over everything, then you will bring people down; nobody likes this. If you spread rumors about others for your own personal gain, then not only will people not trust you, but they will question your intentions and you will repel them.

Angst and apathy may seem trendy, but happiness, honesty and respect are traits that people want to have in their lives. Please bring these. If someone has done you wrong, then don't let the entire world know; make sure you deal with the person directly, and make sure the other peson does the same. This way, the problem doesn't have to elevate into something far worse that it could be. If the whole world ends up knowing, then you are honestly making everybody suffer. People will make judgements that they aren't qualified to make (considering they will most likely be hearing one side of the story). I've experienced this at its most intense existence: not worth it.

Likewise, if you try your best to bring the most positivity, it will be reflected in your quality of life. You will experience the most happiness that you have ever experienced, and those that are close to you will reflect this happiness. Of course, people may get hurt when necessary, like during a break-up or when somebody is laid off from their job, but this is just life, not malicious harm.

Please, do me a favor, and stop talking shit about other people. It's a sign of weakness, and it's not worth the results. If you don't like somebody than you can keep it to yourself. Our planet has enough conflict, we don't need to add any more.

I would like to apologize in advance for the upcoming bit of whiny bitterness.

2008-10-26T18:01:00.007-03:00

I can't tell how accurately I percieve the world around me. I know I notice most things, but unless I'm directly told about something then it seems there's no way for me to know, unless it's blatantly obvious. I feel like I'm oblivious to certain things I shouldn't be, while I'm more aware of things that most people don't give a damn about. Things seem to slip by, as if my head isn't turned the right way at the right moment, the moment where everybody learns and I don't.

It's a struggle, a somewhat unnecessary one. I now know how to be socially appropriate, but I can't figure out where relationships stand among my peers. Is it this "social blindness" I keep hearing about for those on the Autistic Spectrum? I thought I managed to avoid that, but now I'm not so sure.

It's a shame that we can't be aware of what we're unaware of. My relationship to my environment seems to slip every now and then, and things seem to happen that completely pass me by. I wish I could have an outside source to tell me of all these things - someone who perceives everything I can't. Oh, life would be so much easier.

How can you tell how other people pick up on things as opposed to you? I wish I could compare notes with other people. Then again, nobody is perfectly normal, and everyone's brains work in different ways. I know mine functions on the drastically opposite end of the spectrum than the average, neurotypical individual's, but I wish there were a standard at which to compare these things to, if you get what I'm saying.

I apologize if I sound a bit whiny today, but I wish the filter in my brain didn't stand all alone. I wish there were a giant pool of information for everybody to share, to use as they please. I guess all we can do is try to hold on to our ever-changing social world, right?

I know I'm not the only person out there who thinks about this... for the few of you who actually read this blog, what do you think?

Peace, my friends.

2008-10-24T00:45:00.006-03:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how we progress in our communication with others: everyone, not just people with Asperger's, experience patterns of growth in our ability to communicate with others.

From what I've been experienced, I've become more social in the past month or two - I've never had those types of friends where it is just given that you will be spending time with them constantly, and now that I do, I've been listening to people gripe about their problems more, and it's made me realize how much I care about all of these people. Aspies aren't supposed to express empathy, right?

From this realization, I'm beginning to feel like social understanding, a desire to help others and empathy all go hand-in hand. According to what I've come to understand, as you learn to socialize better (through trial-and-error and experience), you realize that people like it when you help them, so it becomes a priority for you to help others. When I help people, it really means the world to me when I feel that I've made even the smallest difference in someone else's life. Good feelings circulate when you are in a decent relationship, so you feel compelled to do more good, and the other person in the relationship will enjoy doing something good to help you. It's really a win-win situation.

I just find it interesting. For most of my life I've been completely apathetic about, well, everything - now I'm cheering up friends who are currently in difficult areas of life, and I'm helping them feel good about themselves. It's a nice change, because now lots of people are helping me as well. It's nice to know that this works both ways.

Just something to ponder. Try going out there and complimenting somebody on their shirt, or comparing them to a stunning celebrity. Flash a dazzling smile or share some candy with a friend. Once positivity is unleashed, it can really travel everywhere and make a difference. Maybe if we start being more positive and respectful, good things will happen. Wars, impulsivity, all the horribleness in the world could cease to exist. It's a bit far-fetched, but it's worth trying, right?

Beauty: We've Got It!

2008-10-19T14:46:00.009-03:00

In little things that the average person may take for granted, such as the beauty and texture of nature, and the folds and drapes of a fabric, an Aspie is more likely to notice, and see its real beauty.

Drawing by Bernie, located here

One of the best things about having Asperger's is having an ability to percieve so much richness in the world. I often find myself becoming mesmerised by the way things go together, or resulting actions from how things exist. Right now, here is a knitted blanket next to me, which creates a beautiful wave-like sloping pattern based on the progression of purl and knit stitches. There are some intentional gaps in the piece that contribute to its real beauty, creating little knit strings that provide depth and really help to hold the blanket together. From there I look even closer and can see how this blanket was knit together, how each individual piece of yarn moves throughout the blanket in giving it its distinctive shape.

I could get lost in things like this for hours, following the way blankets and tapestries move, the way they drape when they are hung a certain way, how a certain trim may pucker in places and give the tapestry in question wonderful depth. Following these ideas lead back to science - the pull of gravity, how lighter things pull less and heavier things really stretch; the balance of gravity (if a tapestry is hung in more than one place then its weight is distributed more evenly). Due to the science of gravity, towels are heavier and fall straight down in hardened circular folds, while lighter, airier fabrics sort of float in a way. In leather and fake leather, the intentionally stitched in folds that are almost geometric, while in an article of clothing made of soft cotton, its folds are based around the fabric's interaction with the body that's wearing it, and the stretch that body gives the article of clothing over time.

I can't help but notice the movement of things: the way the lenses on glasses slope, the directional movement and composition of art, rock posters, even of the geometric hardness of an ironing board. I love the way roads twist and curve and how the angles of crosswalks change depending on where you are and how the traffic on that street moves. I love how when anything is given freedom to move, it does so in a beautiful way. When air flow is incorporated, things follow that movement and create something that is truly amazing.

Above is an image of Andy Warhol's installation, Silver Clouds. On the Warhol museum website, a description of the piece reads:

Created for a 1966 exhibition at the Leo Castelli Gallery, Warhol created an environment that included one room filled with Silver Clouds, helium-filled balloons which moved with the air currents. In addition to creating an ethereal, joyful atmosphere, they challenged traditional expectations by mingling with and touching the viewer.

Juding by the description of this piece, it's clear that Warhol got it. He incorporated movement, texture, direction and interaction into an exiting installation. Though it may be years before I'll get to travel to Pittsburgh (and not everyone can) to see this piece, anyone can recreate the sensations they may feel from it, just by drencing their senses in beauty and opening their eyes up a little wider to see how exactly the world can enrich our quality of life.

Never stop thinking, never close your eyes - there is so much out there, and if you really look out, you'll come across something truly spectacular.

Silent Feuds, because you can?

2008-10-18T17:31:00.008-03:00

Today I would like to discuss something that has been bothering me for quite some time: unspoken feuds. These are feuds that are built on assumptions, rumors, or anything that you hear from a source other than the person involved.

These are often the worst kinds of fights. I feel as if the two people involved will avoid addressing the subject at hand, and therefore tension just builds up. It's horrible, and it only happens because the two individuals will wish to avoid hurting the other person's feelings, or will assume that "if I don't say anything, it's not real." Maybe one person is hoping the other will approach them about something and wait for everything to blow over. Either way, it's almost unbearable to deal with.

I feel like this is an important issue for those of us with Asperger's, because life is a constant learning process, and our lack of experience on dealing with sticky situations often results in a tense state of uncertainty where we don't know what to do, but are afraid of making things worse. We usually do mean well (unless the person in question is malignant to begin with), but our actions are often mistranslated, typically out of a lack of explanation or a biased interpretation based on some unintended consequences of our actions.

A lot of this happens because we don't know how to read the other person's actions and body language. I've learned that if someone seems really tense when they are around you, or responds to you with one-word answers, then they probably want nothing to do with you. I've learned to take these little actions and multiply them by a large number - this is probably how the other person is feeling. If any enthusiasum is shown, then they truly do appreciate you a whole lot, but if any negativity is expressed then the opposite is true, if only for the meanwhile. If this behavior continues then their actions are most likely reflective of their general opinion of you.

As for responding to these situations: it is difficult to face people like this, but it is generally best to avoid them, if you can, or to take actions in avoiding them. Why waste your time trying to impress a person who doesn't care? There are better things to focus your energy on.

If this person is important to you, like a family member, friend or roommate, then it is best to talk things out. Don't start with any accusations, but starting the conversation with things like, "you seem upset, am I doing anything that is upsetting you?" or "Is everything all right? You don't seem like yourself." are good ways to work through any issues the two of you may have. It's important to speak with a calm vocal tone in order to avoid communicating any of the frustration you see in the other person - you are doing this because you care about them, and you want things to be decent again. The conversation should be constructive and not demeaning in any way. If it takes a negative turn, such as the two of you are spitting out accusations about one another, then you should say something like, "I don't want it to be this way", or suggest that the two of you take some time to cool down. Show the other person that you care and that you want to work things out. If you can do this, then there is a good chance that the discussion won't turn into a deadly fight.

I'm just writing this because, in my experience in dealing with people (most of which has ocurred in the past year), it's one of the biggest things I've had to learn. Assertiveness is key, and it's important NOT to be too passive, which is something I really need to work on as well. If a problem is really bothering you, it is best to bring it up with the other person/people involved, because you may be itching for that one conclusion which will help clear your head. And as we all know, clarity is a beautiful thing. If you learn to assert yourself you will be much happier about your life. I know it's in vain, but if this post has helped SOMEONE then I will be happy. Let me know how you see it, or what your perspective on dealing with issues is!

What is Asperger's were viewed as a strength?

2008-10-08T16:09:00.007-03:00

Today I came across this article:

The Discovery of Aspie Criteria

It presents us with a wonderful thought: what if Asperger's were viewed in light of its strengths and not its weaknesses?

If this were the case, Asperger's Syndrome would have to be removed from the DSM-IV - it wouldn't be a disability anymore, which I really don't think it is to begin with. Individuals with Asperger's have helped to push advances in technology along so far, and have provided countless contributions to society, including those that are literary, technological and artistic.

Sure, Asperger's does have its weaknesses - a lack in social ability, stimming (possibly?) and motor clumsiness are a few. But with fascinations that often lead to a career, excellent study habits, a thriving persistence on whatever absorbs attention, and absolute honesty and loyalty, difficulties in social skills are nothing compared to the strengths that having Asperger's Syndrome can provide. Whenever a new advancement is made in years to come, there's a good chance that an Aspie will be behind it. Michelangelo, Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, Mozart, Isaac Newton, the list goes on and on (for an extensive list of famous Aspies, click here).

Espescially in an age of watered-down culture, reality TV and cheap thrills, the unique mind of an Aspie is something to treasure. While many are forced to conform (I'll admit it - despite my weirdness, I have conformed to some degree), their minds are still intact, filled with innovative accomplishments and imaginative ideas. If we can hold onto this uniqueness, then great things will follow us. If such touchstones in our culture were created out of thin air by the quirky kids who may have been ridiculed in grade school, then we must be onto something great.

Though having Asperger's is very stressful, I've finally learned to see it from a whole new perspective. Maybe you will too, if you haven't already? To whoever cares to read this, I'm sure you possess something magnificent up there. Do me a favor, and please treasure it. It will be worth it!

Chasing the Dream

2008-09-27T18:12:00.002-03:00

Read this article.

I agree about finding a job suitable for your strengths. I'll put up something related to this soon.

How Far Should You Chase "The Impossible Dream?"

Growth Through Experience.

2008-09-27T13:27:00.007-03:00

Hello again everyone! It's been a while since I've written, so I think I'll begin this new entry with a bit of an anecdote:

A few days ago I was spending time with a few friends, and a guy who has an unwanted crush on one of my friends comes in and starts chatting it up with her - he sits next to her and earnestly starts telling her about his favorite television show... she's not interested at all. My other friend and I are able to recognize that he is making her uncomfortable - her body is caved in a little bit and her facial expression seems polite, but unresponsive: certainly uncomfortable.

At that moment, my friend and I are figuring out how to spare our friend who is mercilessly being hit on, so I decide to distract this guy: he's good with computers, so I ask him to help me with a diagram in Microsoft Excel that I had been making for one of my classes, but unfortunately, I was having trouble with turning the statistics into a chart. Excited, he immediately comes over, grabs my laptop, and shows me how it works. My other two friends leave the room, and after he helps me, I end the conversation gracefully: "I think I left my flash drive in my room; I'd better go save this..." He went back to his room, and it ended fine.

When I got back upstairs my friend hugged me and thanked me for sparing her of such an awkward moment. At this time, I was in shock: how could I have smoothed over something so well? I'm usually the awkward one!

The only thing I can attribute this experience to is years and years of mess-ups. Because of my Asperger's, I've had to pay close attention to what is and isn't awkward: not to mention anything about unwanted subjects in casual conversation, appropriate body language, etc. It's quite grueling to have to think about everything that you're going to say in order to avoid making a fool out of yourself! Fortunately, it will all pay off in the long run.

It's about time, too. Middle school and high school were brutal (I recieved an unusually high amount of bullying, and that victimized, condescending reputation sort of stuck), but that's where I gained enough experience to appear approachable. College really provided the most amount of growth, for my approachability allowed me to socialize more, and learn more than I ever had before. I'm still nowhere near appearing normal, but with enough hard work I think I'll be able to survive.

What I'm trying to say is (and I'm no professional or anything), it's important for people with Asperger's, HFA or any similar conditions to put themselves out there socially, no matter how uncomfortable they may feel. Pay attention to how other people do things: saying hi, small talk, and seeing how people relate to others using pop culture or past experiences are just a few examples. It even may help if you disclose your condition to a close friend, and encourage him/her to let you know of any strange tendencies you have, or if you say anything disconcerting - this will serve as as extra observation, so you can work on things you wouldn't typically be aware of.

Through the years, I've come across a stunning realization that with experience and intense concentration, social skills can be learned. It's definitely possible: don't give up! We may never be perfectly normal, but being aware of our social tendencies will certainly help us build self-esteem and relationships in the long run. Certainly worth the wait.

Kaylee MacKenzie, you're my hero.

2008-09-14T13:42:00.006-03:00

Here's the story of one girl who's beaten the odds:

Kaylee's story is one of inspiration to us all: there's a way to work around any disability to do what you really love, if you have the drive and passion to do so.

If you ever come across this one day, Kaylee, then I look forward to hearing your name in the fashion industry in a few years. You're very talented and I wish you plenty of success. Best of luck!

Fuck this shit, we're not disabled!

2008-09-14T10:57:00.001-03:00

I know it's a burden, but please click on the link; these people won't let me embed the video. Sorry about this!

Foreign Tongue

Notice the condescending tone they're using? "AS is part of a spectrum of autistic disorders and is a lifelong developmental disability."

No, no, NO! It's only a disorder in that it deviates from the norm, and it certainly isn't a disability!

I decided to create this blog after hearing about the skewed perspective that is associated with the reputation of Asperger's Syndrome and other Autism Spectrum Syndromes. No, because I have this condition (notice the absence of the word disorder here? Well, you should!), it doesn't make me retarded, or mentally challenged in any way. On the contrary, most people with Asperger's have an above average IQ. We know a lot about the certain specific interests we have, we are enthusiastic learners, wonderful students who happen to perceive social interactions differently than the average, or "neurotypical" individual.

Believe me, I've heard it all. During grade school I was fired at with every insult in existence and deemed a "freak". Many people experiencing AS have also dealt with this, and as a student who started school in the early '90s, AS was still being examined. In recent years, the number of children being diagnosed with Autism have increased by 119%; people are still learning about Autism and Asperger's alike, which is exciting to witness. Though existence can seem mundane, it's exciting to be a part of a new generation; our generation will be one to help map out the future for many others.

Coming from the first generation of young-adults who were diagnosed as children, I'm interested to see how AS manifests itself in us as the years continue. I was diagnosed at 5 years old and was treated for years afterwards. The fact that I was finally told of my diagnosis at age 14 forced me to become more aware of typical social behavior - I honestly learned the most through trial-and-error and through personal experience, by thinking, "this statement didn't get a positive response; I shouldn't say anything like it in the future." or "by using eye contact in this way I seem dishonest; I want people to see that I'm an honest individual, so I'll never do that again." Therapy and social groups did help as well. I know the constant treatment was a benefit for me, though I'm still strange in many ways.

Now, at 19, I've gotten to the point where one of my doctors says I can fake being neurotypical to the point where I wouldn't receive a diagnosis anymore. I don't agree with this, for my AS is still there - I'm still socially awkward, though not as much as if I hadn't pushed myself to communicate in so-called "normal" ways, and I can't handle stress very well, but I can control my symptoms and meltdowns better. I'm also decently dressed and I appear pretty normal, which, though it unfortunately clarifies the importance of image in our society, I've come to find that it really helps people take me seriously. I still struggle with social mess-ups, but now I'm able to recognize where I've messed up and how to prevent myself from making those mistakes in the future. It's a constant learning process, and though I still have a while to go, I've made a great deal of progress which I am pleased with.

I may be criticized for this, but I believe that those with AS should embrace their uniqueness, while learning to communicate so that they can support themselves in the long run and not feel destroyed by social norms. There are ways to find suitable professions that work with our sensitivities, that maximize our talents and allow us to appreciate who we really are, quirks and all.

This is my first time doing this sort of blog, so I encourage feedback in any way, shape or form. In fact, I'd love it if you gave me feedback!

I know we can beat the system! Who's with me?