Dating

Seeing as it's been a little while since I've posted, I've decided to discuss an issue that's been grating my mind lately. 

I'm now 20 years old, and the whole romantic world is something that is still completely foreign to me. Aside from the issue of intimacy (which I've discussed briefly here), I'm having a difficult time understanding the way in which relationships manifest themselves. So much happens when traveling from Point A, where you and the other person are mere acquaintances, to Point B, when something exclusive is going on - whether it be a relationship, friends with benefits, even something that neither of you will call a relationship but clearly displays an attraction to the other person alone, thereby displaying such exclusivity. A lot of signals are discreetly communicated, little body movements, eye contact, brain signals that are transferred into subtle twitches, signals which inform the individual whether they will make or break the night. 

So much goes on behind flirting that I have yet to learn. For years I thought that you'd gussy yourself up, smile at a boy, and BAM! You'd have yourself a boyfriend. Unfortunately, you hardly ever get anything merely by wanting it - you must put in an effort and send out the correct signals to the other person involved, and if those signals are well-received, then perhaps something lovely will spring to life. 

I'm learning that the right things must be said as well so the other person doesn't get turned off, and it all must be done in a timely manner before the guy you're interested in gets bored and moves on. I'm learning all of this the hard way, after all this time. It's been one of the hardest and most stressful things I've ever had to make myself aware of. We'll just say this past semester's been extremely difficult, haha.

I've also come to realize, though that the rules of appropriate flirting are something that everyone must learn. From what I've observed, they're generally acquired sometime around mid-adolescence, but there isn't really a time limit on when they can be learnt. I've been stressed out since a lot of my friends currently have boyfriends (not that this is a competition or anything), but I've noticed that even more of my friends are experiencing the same problems as I am. The nervous blushing that taints middle-schoolers' cheeks  when they see their crush walk down the hallway happens to students in college as well, causing us to stumble our words and make our brains rush through a premeditated list of insecurities regarding our foolishness for even trying. 

Where do nerves end? Confidence. As long as we are confident in our abilities to interact with others, with time, we will meet someone whom we are compatible with. This confidence may take years to acquire, but I have faith that with practice and self-esteem, anyone can get there. I'm not there yet, but hopefully I'll be able to build my confidence up. 

It's a difficult journey, but by paying attention to the right rules, I think it can be done. This applies to any goal you may be working towards, not even a relationship. Failure will happen as well, it's inevitable, but we must learn from our mistakes so we can grow. Hopefully I'll get there, as will everyone else out there. Self-confidence is one of the best things anyone can have, and something that everyone deserves. 

I don't know where I'm going with this. Sorry if I ramble a bit! Let's just get out there and work on it. 

Journal Excerpt 2/26/08

"...It would be so much easier if you could have ear plugs for your sense of touch. They obviously wouldn't go in your ears, but if you could somehow adjust how you physically feel when you are being touched then it would make life a whole lot easier. I would take advantage of such an opportunity in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, such an idea is impossible. It is up to me alone to control such things. I hope it gets easier over time."

Last week.

In class, my teacher was reviewing some of our work, when she called me up and told me:

- "Pink, it's really amazing. When I demonstrate these techniques you appear very distracted - "

- "Yeah, I know, I space out a lot."

- "Yes, you do! But you know what's really amazing? In class you seem like you're in your own little world, but then you go home and do an excellent job on everything. I don't know how you do it."

- (to my own surprise) "...I guess it just happens..."

It's odd; I was never even aware of such a thing. I am very easily distracted, but I can follow directions exactly, and I remember very minute details I didn't even realize I was paying attention to at the time. 

I guess having a brain wired like this isn't such a bad thing. 

Epiphany.

I originally began this blog to help people step into the mind of someone with Asperger's Syndrome. I've been trying to promote neurodiversity, love, compassion, appreciation and self-respect. I've been trying to get out the message that everybody has a unique mind, and the Autism spectrum is just one tiny slice of the possible distinctions between every single mind out there. For those of you reading this, who are taking in my message, thank you.

However, I really shouldn't be keeping a blog in the first place. I'm just a random young woman who happens to fit into the specific diagnostic criteria for a condition that some people happen to have. I look exactly like every other 20 year old girl on the street, with the same interests and a similar mindset; I'm yet another pawn in the ever-changing army of pop culture, abiding to modern trends in order to not stand out like a sore thumb. I have no clue how my ideas could possibly be that different from anyone else's. Though I'm technically an adult, I still feel like I have a lot of growing up to do, and I have not seen nearly enough of life yet to be preaching ideas which I can hardly grasp myself. 

I will still write in here, but I think I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to talk more about my daily interactions and things I'm learning instead of this one-sided preachy bullshit. Because brainwashing is what we're trying to fight, right? Conformity is both a best friend and an enemy, so I want to figure out ways to both embrace it while still remaining the same unique, brilliant individuals with savant-like grasps on subjects the rest of society is unable to focus on.

I'll admit it: my contact with fellow Aspies and Auties is fairly limited, but those I have met are very talented writers, artists, mathematicians, philosophers and thinkers. I'm still amazed by the ambition and devotion these friends of mine place into their field of work, and have no doubt that it will lead them to great happiness and fulfillment, no matter their unique path in getting there. 

As my peers and I grow up (imagine the thought), we will learn new things, and maybe uncover something implausibly fantastic. But until then, we need to figure out what life really is.

An Update

I just wanted to take a quick second to update you guys (or whomever actually reads this blog) with how I'm doing. 

I've always had constant fatigue and headaches, and my doctor has been trying to figure out what the cause is. We've ruled out anemia, sinus problems, diabetes, kidney and liver problems, thyroid problems... basically any physical problem. I even found out that it's not lyme disease, which I had previously been tested positive for and subsequently had to take a slew of antibiotics for a few weeks afterwards (it's okay; a false diagnosis is common with lyme disease.). Kind of a pain in the ass, you know?

Well, after my doctor's appointment today, we've concluded that it's most likely something related to my ever-present anxiety. I've always known I've been an anxious person, but I never knew my nerves could drain me of my energy and overwhelm me to that extent. It's all starting to make sense now. Feeling that much tension all the time can be exhausting. I guess I am being completely overloaded with emotions and am in response draining myself. I'm glad it's being figured out now.

If you're feeling tired or fatigued, you shouldn't just learn to accept it - I'd check your symptoms and see if something could actually be wrong. Don't worry about getting treatment for anything either - that's the first step. Hopefully, now that I'm on the right path, I should begin to feel better soon! Nobody should constantly feel like crap - let's do something about it.

The Way of the Aspie

Asperger's seems to be an issue of adaptation. We have trouble adjusting to new things, learning new social rules. We can't handle surprises or spur-of-the-moment things. Apart from seeing the world differently, I think a great deal of our awkwardness comes from discomfort in unfamiliar situations. 

You know what? That's okay. If we stick to the familiar, or work to decode the unknown, then we will be okay. This is the main thing that we have to deal with, and we will have to deal with it constantly, but it's good to know that things do get easier.

What's actually important.

Today I ran into a classmate, and we spent a few hours talking - about everything. Oddly enough, it wasn't awkward at all. I usually have a hard time holding conversations with people, but she was so easy to talk to, not to mention a really interesting person. I love learning new things about people because they're so interesting to begin with, and when you try to hide those interesting points to give off a certain impression, you are, in a way, cheating yourself out of the connections and experiences you could be having. At least, that's how I feel. 

Moments like these are what help me remember that social standards don't really apply. Don't get me wrong; they do in the sense of showing you're engaged in conversation and by not offending the other person, but you really shouldn't be trying to appear flawless. You don't need to be molded into the perfect human being to get by - if you meet individuals whom you really connect with, then those friendships turn into something special. Those friendships may be limited in quantity, but it shouldn't matter how many friends you have anyway. 

Also, socializing seems so superficial. I'm referring to large parties, clubs, and anywhere cliques may roam. These instances are more for show than anything, and they completely demolish the concept behind having friends in the first place.  

There is no wrong way to go about making friends, unless it involves hurting somebody. And if you have just one friend, as long as that relationship makes you happy, then that is what really  matters.